Rolling Blackouts
by hidinginplainsight
Summary: Late at night in the middle of a power outage, Asuka realizes she might have to turn to her roommate for help staying warm.
1. Rolling Blackouts

Supposedly, it was to conserve power for defense. Even when not in times of crisis, the enormous amount of electricity it took to move any part of the Evangelions at all was taxing on Japan's power grid. When there were Angels to be fought and lives were on the line, there was simply not enough power to always keep Tokyo-3 alight. On the whole, people were willing to sacrifice late night television to prevent the Third Impact.

And so the blackouts.

It was scheduled of course, so in theory the citizens of Tokyo-3 would be able to plan around the inconvenience. The sections of the city that would lose power were broadcast on the television weeks in advance, detailing exactly what time the power would go out for what areas, and when it would return. Unlike the blackouts however, checking to see the scheduled time of the power outage was not compulsory.

And so Asuka had forgotten to check the times. And now it was cold.

She shivered under her single thin sheet and cursed herself for the millionth time for not packing her heavy blankets when she had moved from Germany. She could have left out some of her seemingly endless supply of bathing suits and summer dresses to make room for one damn comforter. It's not like she ever got the chance to _wear_ any of her cute clothes. School uniforms – really should have thought that one through. As if there was anyone in Japan worth impressing anyway…

Asuka felt a chill run down her spine and pulled the sheet tighter. It wasn't helping anything, and the Japanese winter was proving unforgiving even through the walls of the shared flat. She heard snow hitting the window on the other side of the room, the wind howling all around the building, and she felt very alone.

She hated feeling alone, and it happened so often lately. She missed seeing Kaji on a daily basis, and even the other people she knew back home. There hadn't been many friends, but there were a couple of girls she would eat lunch with sometimes, when Kaji was busy. They were good company, and they had seemed to like her, but she hadn't kept in contact with them once transferring overseas. Asuka felt a little guilty about this at first, but it wasn't as if they had reached out to her, either. She wasn't sure if it counted as friendship if no one cared when it began or ended. She wondered if anyone in this country would worry about her when she shipped back home.

She reminded herself that it was the providence of geniuses and prodigies to always be alone, out in front of everyone else looking back. She didn't feel any warmer.

Asuka sat up, hugging her arms to herself and glancing over at the wall.

Shinji was on the other side of that wall. She had run into him briefly, earlier in the evening, right as the power had gone out. He had been carrying blankets and looking very smug. The Third Child, evidently, had not forgotten to check the schedule.

A message on the answering machine had let the pilots know that Misato had opted to spend the night inside the Geofront. NERV's headquarters was one of the few places in the city where the power never went out, and there was surely a bed hidden somewhere in the massive facility she could lay down on. At the very worst: somewhere lurked a space heater and a wall to lean against. Misato was resourceful.

Asuka was envious of the woman's foresight. She realized miserably that her only real option was to walk to Shinji's room and ask him for one of his blankets.

She clenched her teeth. _Screw that_, she thought. She'd never hear the end of it.

But still, the other option at this point seemed to be to sit in her room and succumb to hypothermia. How long did these damn blackouts last again? She couldn't remember for the life of her.

Asuka put her ear to the wall, wincing as her cheek touched the icy plaster. She closed her eyes and strained to hear if Shinji was still awake. Maybe she could sneak in and _steal_ a blanket so she wouldn't have to talk to him at all? There was a faint noise, but Asuka couldn't figure out what it was exactly. It almost sounded like a window sliding open, but she couldn't think of a single reason why anyone would be stupid enough to open their window during a storm like-

"Asuka?"

Asuka sprung away from the wall immediately and pretended to be asleep. Shinji stood in her doorway, flashlight in one hand. His brow knit with slight confusion.

"…what were you just doing?"

"Wh-what are you talking about, you idiot?" She propped herself up on her arms, faking a yawn. "I was sleeping! You know, what most _normal_ people are doing this time of the night!" Asuka was blushing furiously, despite herself. She hoped he didn't see in the low light, or notice how stupid her babbling sounded. "What are you doing in my room, anyway? When did I give you permission to come in?"

Shinji shrugged.

"Sorry. Look, I brought you some more layers." Asuka noticed for the first time that Shinji had stuffed an armful of blankets in the hand not holding the torch. He turned slightly so she could see them. "I thought you might be cold."

"Cold? Oh, is it snowing?" Asuka looked out the window. "Wow! I hadn't even noticed. I'm fine, you just worry about yourself, okay?" She pulled the thin sheet up to her chin and wished for her teeth to stop chattering.

Shinji stood in the doorway.

"…you look cold." He remarked.

Asuka shot up from her bed.

"I said 'I'm fine', Ikari! I mean, jeez, if you want to leave some of the stupid blankets there, then go ahead, but I don't need your charity! I'm trying to sleep!" Asuka waved her arms around wildly, partially to bring them warmth and partially to distract from her shivering.

She didn't understand why she did this to herself. Asuka realized that Shinji was actually offering her exactly what she had wanted – what she had been very close to walking next door and _demanding_, as a matter of fact – but when they were offered to her like this it made her feel… what was the word...?

Dependent.

Asuka Langley Sohryu was not dependent on anyone, least of all Shinji Ikari. She was a genius. She was in front of the pack looking back. She was alo-

"You know what?" Asuka threw the sheet off of herself and leapt to her feet. "I'm up now, and I'm hungry. I'm grabbing some food."

Asuka muscled her way past Shinji into the mutual dining area, which she soon discovered was completely black.

"Hey, gimme that flashlight." The redhead snatched the torch from Shinji's hand and illuminated the cabinets all around them.

"How many shirts do you have on?" Shinji asked off-hand. Asuka spun on him venomously.

"_Sheiße! _Mind your own business Ikari! Honestly! I don't need your damn blankets!" She whirled on the cabinets. "Where the hell's the herbal tea, anyway? Pen-Pen's always friggin' moving things in this house…"

_Anything to keep warm, anything to keep warm, I don't need him, anything to keep warm..._

Her hand brushed against the box for the Mint Medley and Asuka felt a rush of triumph sweep over her.

"Ha! Finally! Where's the teapot?"

"Um… the stove's not working."

The flashlight turned accusingly on Shinji, illuminating him brilliantly in the black.

"It needs electricity, Asuka. So does the microwave." Shinji laughed lightly. "Didn't you go to college?"

The small box of tea rocketed through the air and hit Shinji in the nose, stunning him for a second. A hand quickly grabbed the scruff of his neck and he felt himself being violently shaken.

"Don't you talk down to me! I'm the best damn pilot in this _hemisphere_! You should be on your knees worshipping me, _BAKA_! When I was in Germany I had so many frien-"

"Would you cut it out?" Shinji shook himself free of his tormentor's grasp and glared with irritation at where he assumed Asuka's head was. "What's the matter with you, anyway? Your hands are freezing. Just take the blankets and go to bed."

Shinji turned to go back to his room. "...you're welcome."

The flashlight hit him in the back of the head when he was two steps away from his door.

Shinji spun around, angrily. "There is something fucking wrong with you!" He bellowed into the darkness. "I was trying to be nice!"

No response came from the kitchen. When the flashlight had hit him, Shinji had vaguely heard the batteries fly out from the back of it, and now the entire apartment was under cover of darkness.

Shinji sighed. He slunk to the floor, massaging the back of his head.

"God damn it... That really hurt, Asuka."

Silence. He took a deep breath before continuing.

"I don't understand you at all. I don't get why-" Shinji cut himself off and shook his head.

He stood up. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter. I'm going to bed."

He felt for his door.

"'You don't get why' what?" Asuka's voice was closer than Shinji had expected it to be, and he jumped a little, despite himself. "What were you going to say?" she asked.

Shinji leaned his head against the wall.

"It's stupid," he admitted.

"A lot of what you say is stupid." It was an insult, but in the darkness it was somehow softened. Shinji swore he could almost hear a smile behind her voice. "Tell me anyway."

Shinji sighed. The blackness made him feel like he was talking to someone else. It made things easier to say – there were things he had to get off of his chest.

"I don't get why… we're not friends," Shinji began. "We live together. We work together. We're in the same class. We use the same shower for God's sake. We share so many things, Asuka. Probably more than I share with any other person alive. Why don't we get along?"

No answer.

"I mean, I've always tried to be nice to you," he continued. "I just don't understand why you hate me so much. Did I do something to offend you? You seem to be friends with Hikari-chan, which is great, but I mean..."

He shook his head, the pain at the back of his skull flaring up. "You know what? I don't really care. I don't care what it is you have against me, or why you throw fucking flashlights at me when I'm trying to help you, or if you freeze to death in your room. I just don't care anymore. I'm going to bed."

He turned to his door and slid it open. For a moment, Shinji paused to see if she was going to say something – anything.

Nothing happened.

Shinji began to step through the door when he felt a small tug on the back of his shirt, and the pressure stopped him in his tracks. She was standing right behind him. He heard her breathing in the dark, uneven and slightly raspy.

After what seemed like an eternity, she opened her mouth to speak.

"...do you hate me?"

Her voice was tiny. It sounded like she was admitting her deepest secret. "I know I can be difficult sometimes, but... I've always sort of considered us..."

Shinji had never heard this tone of voice come from the proud German pilot. It sounded so meek. He tried to imagine what her face could possibly look like at this moment.

He felt her take a small step closer. "I mean, do you really...?"

God, she sounded so fragile. He thought of her blue eyes and how angry they usually were. What did those eyes look like when they were vulnerable, when they could be hurt? _Could_ she be hurt? Shinji found it hard to believe anything ever got through that tough skin of hers.

Shinji sighed. He was so tired. His head ached.

"You know, Asuka. Sometimes, I really do."

Shinji stepped out of her grip and slid the door shut behind him.

He found the sheets outside of his door the next morning, folded and cold.

* * *

><p>AN: This is actually not done yet. So there's that. If you liked the chapter (or have any constructive criticism) reviews and feedback would be much appreciated. :)<p> 


	2. No One Else, part I

"She hasn't spoken to me in three days. I have no idea what's going on in her head right now." Shinji sipped his thermos of tea and shivered slightly. The snow falling outside made the classroom unusually chilly, and the warm liquid helped a little. He was glad he had remembered to pack some this morning. "Not that I usually do anyway."

"She looks pissed." Touji glanced over towards Asuka and Hikari. The girls were on the other side of the room, eating their lunches together. "Kinda like she's going to kill something."

"What else is new?" Shinji didn't look over towards his two classmates. He spent enough time avoiding eye contact with Asuka at home. He wondered briefly where Rei was today. The First Child's school attendance was so spotty it was a small wonder whenever she showed up.

Touji was sitting on the desk directly to Shinji's right, and was turned slightly so as to observe the redheaded girl. Kensuke was on his left, picking thoughtfully at his lunch. Shinji, for his part, faced away from Asuka and Hikari.

With the weather as bad as it was, lunch was relegated to the classroom, which always put Touji in a slightly irritated state of mind. He missed the roof. Whatever Asuka had whispered to her friend just made Hikari blush. Touji felt a mysterious sting of jealousy, which he attributed to his lack of ability to communicate with the any of the female members of his class. _What do girls talk about, anyway?_

"I don't know, Shinji," Kensuke began, rubbing the back of his head. "Maybe you should just apologize? I mean, what you did was kind of..." He groped for words.

Shinji raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"...mean?" Kensuke finished timidly. He shrugged, holding his palms up, showing he meant no harm.

"She keeps looking over here." Touji narrowed his eyes. "She's kind of starting to freak me out."

Shinji sighed, putting down his drink.

The three days since the blackout had been terrible for Shinji, but not because Asuka had been particularly mean to him. As soon as his door had shut that night, Shinji had regretted being so cold to her. She had reached out to him, and he should have been the bigger person and accepted the gesture of friendship for what it was. But of course that hadn't happened. He could never seem to do these kinds of things correctly.

Afterwards, Shinji had feared the fallout – he had expected to wake up the next morning to the absolute worst verbal abuse he had ever endured. He had expected the Queen Bitch: the person everyone who didn't actually know Asuka assumed her to be. Shinji was prepared to accept all of what he knew he deserved.

But that didn't happen.

Shinji had woken to find the folded blankets and an empty apartment. She hadn't even waited for him to walk to school, like she did every day. There was a note explaining she had made her own lunch, so his assistance in that department wasn't necessary, and when he had walked into the classroom she was already in her seat.

His attempts to approach her had been completely futile. Shinji had said a lot of things to his roommate's back the last three days, none of which were met with any kind of real response. Asuka talked to him only when absolutely necessary, and in as non-comittal terms as possible. Each afternoon she had walked home, to her room, and shut the door, not emerging save for necessities.

She had spent the last three days acting like Shinji didn't exist. Or rather that he did exist, but she simply didn't care at all.

He reflected ruefully on how many times he had wished she would stop tormenting him and just leave him alone. Oh, the irony. Everything felt so strained and awkard now. He used to know exactly where he stood with Asuka, and now nothing seemed certain at all. Misato was starting to notice, but had been polite enough not to say anything yet. Shinji couldn't wait for the other shoe to drop. This was hell.

"She's getting up," Touji muttered.

Shinji glanced up at the sound of Touji's voice. The other boy clenched his jaw.

"Oh God, here she comes." Touji averted his eyes and turned, positioning himself as if he had been deeply embroiled in conversation with Shinji and Kensuke. "Get ready, Ikari. This is gonna be brutal."

Shinji straightened up a little and prepared himself. _Finally._

Asuka came to a stop right outside of their closed circle and crossed her arms. Shinji let out a tremendous sigh and turned towards her.

"Look, Asuka I-"

"Suzuhara-kun." Asuka's voice cut through Shinji's like a knife. "I'd like to talk to you alone for a moment."

Shinji blinked.

Touji turned around warily, his brows knit with confusion. "...me?"

Asuka maintained complete eye contact with him. "I want to ask you something. Can we talk alone?" She seemed serious, and what Shinji could only describe as 'mysteriously polite'. Kensuke's mouth hung open slightly, shock overpowering his usual decision to keep it closed.

For a moment, no one had any idea what to say.

"Um... sure." Touji got down off the desk he had been sitting on and stood in front of the German girl. He cleared his throat awkardly. "...so, what's up?"

"Come here." Asuka grabbed Touji's wrist, dragging him across the room and out into the hallway. The door shut behind them with a decided note of menace – eavesdropping would be out of the question for anyone wishing to spend the rest of their lives with a complete set of limbs.

Shinji and Kensuke sat completely dumbfounded. Snow was heard gently pelting the window.

Across the room, Hikari sat by herself, not particularly looking at anyone at all.

* * *

><p>"No way in hell."<p>

"Why not?"

"NO."

"Oh, come on! As if an idiot like you has anything better to do this Thursday!"

"As a matter of fact, I do. Thursdays are when I visit my sister in the hospital."

"_Fine._ Friday then."

"Can't."

"What the hell are you doing Friday!"

"Not this."

"Have you ever seen me in my plugsuit? Or at gym?"

"Have I ever-? What's that got to do with _anything?_"

"I've got a great body. I'm certainly not ugly."

"...I'm well aware of that."

"Then say yes. You'll have bragging rights. I'll pay for the movie. Worst that could happen is we both hate each other and we agree to never do it again. You lose one Friday night."

"..."

"I already asked Hikari, and she said she didn't have a problem with it."

"Wh-why would I give a rat's ass what the class rep thinks about this?"

"No reason in particular. Just thought you ought to know."

Touji crossed his arms. So, this wasn't a joke. Asuka's face was completely impassive.

"...what movie, exactly?"

* * *

><p>Asuka walked back into the classroom first, heading right back to Hikari and sitting down to finish her lunch. Touji entered moments later, walking unsteadily over to his seat next to Shinji and Kensuke.<p>

"What was _that_ all about?" Kensuke asked, desperate for information.

Touji turned around, staring in the direction of Hikari and Asuka, completely and utterly perplexed. He looked at the girls for several more seconds before turning back towards his friends and picking up his chopsticks to continue eating.

"She asked me on a date," he said. "I'm going out with her Friday night."

Shinji's tea spilled all across his desk when it slipped from his hands.

* * *

><p>"Asuka, wait up!" Shinji jogged to try and keep up with her. His breath came out in white clouds – he could feel himself sweating under his coat.<p>

He had to catch up with her. Asuka had yet to break stride, or acknowledge Shinji's shouts in any capacity whatsoever.

"Asuka, would you hold on for just one second?" Shinji slid on a particularly icy patch of sidewalk and nearly fell. The snow was getting heavier. Quickly regaining his balance, he put on a final burst of speed and caught up with his fellow pilot.

"Hey, hold on. We have to talk about this." Shinji reached out and put a hand on Asuka's shoulder.

The reaction was immediate and electric. Asuka jerked her shoulder out of his hand and stopped walking. For the first time since their argument, her blue eyes met his full-on.

"I really don't see what there is for us to discuss." Her voice held a startling ferocity. "Did you not understand today's lesson? Need me to explain it to you? I already went through college, you know." The sarcasm was palpable. Shinji clenched his fists.

"You know damn well what we have to talk about!" Shinji exploded. "Touji? What the _hell?_"

"If I feel anything about Suzuhara-kun at all, it's really none of your business, is it?" Her eyes were like razors.

"What's with this 'Suzuhara-kun' business? He's Touji!" Shinji was winded from running to catch up, and shouting wasn't helping matters. Fortunately, the approaching storm had forced most people inside. The two teenagers were alone in the street. Shinji took a deep breath and continued. "You hate Touji!"

Asuka smirked slightly. "Is that so?" She glanced away for a second, smiling to herself. Shinji had no idea what she could possibly find funny right now. "I guess I hate a lot of people the first time that I meet them."

"What does _that_ mean?" Shinji threw his arms up in exasperation. "Is this about the other night? I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry!" Asuka's eyes snapped back onto Shinji's and her smile disappeared like a ghost.

"What are you apologizing for?"

"What do you mean?" Shinji whiped away a stray clump of snowflakes that clung to his hair.

"Why are you sorry? Do you even know what part of what you said made me angry?" Her tone had turned openly derisive. "Or if I'm even angry at you at all? Has it ever ocurred to you that there are a million other things I could be mad about? You don't get that much under my skin, baka, don't give yourself so much credit."

Shinji searched desperately for something to say, and found nothing at all. He shook his head, completely at a loss.

"What do you want from me, Asuka?"

It was the briefest of moments – just a flicker of emotion over her face. There in a flash and then gone just as quickly – so quickly in fact that Shinji was unsure at first if he had seen anything at all. In that second, for all the world to see, it looked like Asuka Langley Sohryu was going to break down and cry. Shinji felt his anger evaporate immediately.

Asuka turned away from him and faced towards their home.

"I want you to leave me alone, Shinji. Please stop talking to me."

She walked away. Shinji watched Asuka as she was swallowed up by the snow.

* * *

><p>"It's a trap. She's going to kill you."<p>

Friday night.

Kensuke lounged on Touji's bed at Suzuhara's residence. He pointed his camera at Touji, who was standing across the room, in front of his closet.

"Final thoughts on the night of your demise?"

Touji glared at the lens.

"Girls make no damn sense at all."

Kensuke laughed, clicking off the camera and placing the device next to himself on the bed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean this whole... stupid... everything!" Touji looked into his mirror. Having never been on a single date in his entire life, Touji was surprised to find he was having some slight anxiety about it. Was he supposed to dress up nicely for a movie? Was that a thing?

"You've got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, Touji. Why are you complaining? I'm jealous, honestly." Kensuke confessed, stretching. "Utterly confused, but jealous nonetheless."

"That's what I mean! Why is she doing this? Doesn't she like that Kaji guy? I thought that was why she turned everyone down." Touji angled himself towards Kensuke. "This tie is too much, right?"

Kensuke shrugged. "I don't know, man. Maybe she's given up on older men?"

"Even so," Touji turned back to his wall, "Why in the hell would she ask me? Of all the people in the school, you know? Of all the places to start." Touji fixed his clothing and examined himself in the glass.

The tie looked... very okay.

...okay, this was stupid. He was going to wear his jacket instead.

"Well, I can't argue there. Honestly, if Sohryu was going to date anyone, I would have thought she'd pick Shinji," Kensuke sighed. "But there you go."

"Our friend Shinji? Shinji Ikari? The one she's so angry at she can't even talk to?" Touji glanced at Kensuke as he took off the tie. "They fight all the time! Why would she date Shinji?"

Kensuke shrugged. "He's the only guy she talks to."

Throwing on his jacket, Touji looked into the mirror and steeled himself. No matter what was about to happen, it was just one date, right? Not really a big deal.

For some reason, Touji's thoughts briefly drifted to when Hikari had blushed earlier in the day.

He cracked his neck.

"Okay let's do this."

* * *

><p>AN: Well <em>this<em> certainly is a strange development! What's that crazy girl up to, anyway? To be continued, of course. :)


	3. No One Else, part II

"Is Touji the Kansai boy?" Misato asked from Asuka's doorway, "or is he the one with glasses? Don't tell Shin-kun, but I can never keep them straight."

"Glasses is Kensuke, and I wouldn't touch _that_ if you paid me a million dollars." Asuka was drying her hair with a towel. "Touji is Kansai boy, yeah."

She had just gotten out of the shower and didn't have all that much time before she was supposed to meet up with Touji. She could smell Shinji cooking in the kitchen, and was embarrassed to admit she felt a pang of hunger. Asuka would never admit it, but not eating Shinji's boxed lunches for the five days had been rough. Her cooking was awful, especially by comparison. "Could you close the door?" she asked.

Misato stepped inside, sliding the door shut behind her.

"I didn't tell you yet, but I think this is really good, Asuka. A date, that is. It makes me happy that you guys have friends outside of the work we do with the Evangelions." She sipped her beer and stepped over next to Asuka, leering. "And besides, looks like the boys are finally starting to see what a first-rate hottie you're turning into, Asuka-chan!"

Asuka rolled her eyes. Misato stood up, smiling.

"So what's changed between you and Suzuhara-kun?"

Asuka put down the towel and began to brush her hair. "What do you mean?"

"Well, to be honest, I'm not sure I ever saw you have an actual conversation with the boy whenever he was over here before." Misato plopped down onto her roomate's bed, twirling the froth at the bottom of the beer can. "And you and Shinji haven't exactly been great terms lately. I was just wondering if there was a connection, is all."

"Shinji has nothing to do with this."

"Is that so?" Misato finished the rest of the can.

"YES," Asuka tore the brush through a knot in her hair. "Why can nobody seem to figure that out?"

"It's just a little surprising. You and Shinji... well..." Misato sipped her drink. "You we're usually kinda close, you know? Closer than you two seemed to be with anyone else, anyway. I guess I always thought there might be something there."

The pilot shot a glare at her. "The Third Child is my roommate, and nothing else. If I had wanted anything to happen with _that_ idiot I would have asked him out and that would have been the end of it!" Asuka turned back towards her desk and tossed her brush into her desk drawer, her hand angrily snatching up her sync clips and sliding them onto her head. She glared into her mirror.

_There. I'm cute, goddamn it. _

In the reflection she saw Misato, her face filled with the strangest expression of... pity? Did Misato _pity_ her? Asuka felt her temper starting to boil. _Nobody_ pitied her. Misato sighed and got to her feet.

"Well, I'll let you get dressed," the older woman put her hand on Asuka's shoulder, and their eyes met in the mirror. "Try and have some fun tonight, okay?"

Misato gave her shoulder a little squeeze and walked out of the room, shutting the door after her.

In the kitchen, Misato patted Shinji on the back and smiled at him.

"Dinner smells great, Shin-chan."

* * *

><p>The truth was that since she could remember, Asuka had always prided herself on her red hair. Even in Germany, where it had been significantly more commonplace than in Japan, she had worn it like a badge of honor. 'Did you know that out of all the hair colors on earth, red is the most rare?' Asuka was born marked for greatness. That was the way she saw it, anyway. She had been overjoyed when she found her Eva came in a matching color.<p>

Asuka liked that red was vibrant and alive. She liked that it stood out in a crowd. People noticed when Asuka walked into a room – she was hard to miss. More importantly, she was hard to forget. The German girl may not be mourned by everyone that knew her when she died, but she would never be forgotten. Books would be written about the girl genius and her exploits in Unit 02. Asuka took no little amount of pride in her constant visibility.

Which made her more than a little irritated when it took Touji five minutes to spot her after arriving at their destination.

"Sorry, Sohryu. Didn't recognize you out of uniform."

Asuka fumed.

"Let's just get to this stupid movie."

* * *

><p>The movie was an old American horror film from before the Second Impact, which Asuka had chosen on a whim. It had been a while since she'd practiced her English, anyway. Touji, for his part, didn't seem thrilled at the prospect of having to read subtitles, but didn't make any vocal complaints.<p>

The main character was a Siamese twin who had been traumatically (surgically) separated from her sister as a child. The twin sister had died in the operation, and now the sister's personality lived on inside of the main girl, a woman now in her twenties. Asuka found it really very hard to believe this could actually happen, but was willing to accept it for an hour and a half because she had paid for two tickets to see it. And after all, Asuka fought aliens in a giant robot and shared an apartment with a semi-sentient penguin. The world was a strange and wondrous place.

Throughout the movie, the main girl would try and start relationships with people (including a handsome young black man), all of which would inevitably end in violent confrontation when her latent personality emerged. Asuka had read somewhere that horror films were just 'heightened drama' – that inherently all horror movies were not necessarily scary, but tragic. The tragedy of this movie was, of course, that the one side of the main character truly and deeply loved the black man, but she would never be able to be with him because everytime she got close, her sister showed up and ruined everything. Or, really because of her psychological disorder that manifested as her sister half, because Asuka was _really_ having trouble believing that the dead sister could somehow periodically inhabit her body. That literally made no sense at all.

The point was, part of this girl cared for the man, and part of her despised him, but she couldn't overcome her childhood trauma. The two personalities would clash and eventually the only solution they could come up with was to-

_Whatever, this movie is stupid._

They all died at the end. Very tragic. Thank god that's over.

After the credits rolled, Asuka practically ran out of the theater, Touji right behind her.

"That sucked," Touji muttered.

"I feel a whole lot stupider," Asuka agreed.

Until very recently, she and Shinji would often spend Saturday mornings watching whatever movie was airing on the television. Every once in a while, when the movie was really awful, they would watch it anyway, pointing out all the terrible dialogue and all of the bad acting for each other. They would quip over the movie and try and to crack each other up. She would never admit to it, but on those mornings Asuka often found herself laughing with Shinji – truly enjoying his company. The first morning they had done this, she remembered being surprised that her fellow pilot could actually be funny when he loosened up.

Watching television with other people was not something she much did back home. Between the studying and training for the Evangelion program, Asuka hadn't had much time for a social life. There was also the nearly ten-year age difference between her and her former peers. They had all had such awful taste in entertainment.

Asuka wondered briefly what Shinji would have said about the movie she just walked out of. She thought of how he smiled when he laughed.

"_...do you hate me?"_

"_You know, Asuka? Sometimes I really do."_

She looked over in time to see Touji yawning hugely.

"So what now, Sohryu?" he put his arms behind his head and turned towards her. Looks like she was running this date after all. "You want to just go home?"

"No," she responded immediately. "Not yet. Let's get something to eat. I'm starving."

* * *

><p>Shinji stood on the balcony outside of his room. Kaji had come over for dinner, and after they had all eaten, he and Misato had retired to her bedroom, prompting Shinji to do the same in his, though probably with drastically different results after the door shut. Shinji didn't know for sure. He put on his SDAT player and stared out at Tokyo-3.<p>

Kaji spent the night every once in a while, and honestly it didn't bother Shinji that much. He was happy that Misato had someone she could be with – that she could talk to. Shinji felt sometimes that there was more she wanted to say to the pilots but didn't. Maybe it was because she was technically their boss, maybe because they were so much younger. Either way, there were those moments when a look of infinite sadness would pass over Misato's face, and Shinji knew there was something she was thinking and would never tell him about. He knew she shared a lot more with Kaji than she did with him, and that made him happy for her.

As long as he didn't have to hear how happy she was. Hence the tape player. Shinji stopped the tape and took off his earphones. They were probably done, anyway.

Just as he did so, the door behind him opened.

"Hey there, Shinji-kun," Kaji took out a cigarette as he stepped out to join the pilot. "How's the night?"

"Hello, Kaji-san. A little cold, I guess." Shinji smiled. "It's winter though, so I guess it's to be expected."

Kaji held up the cigarette and looked at the boy. "Do you mind? I could wait until later if it bothers you."

"No, of course not. Please continue."

"Thanks," Kaji lit up. He sighed as he leaned on the banister. After a moment, he took out his cigarette and spoke. "So, Asuka's out on a date, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Kaji nodded contemplatively as he blew out a plume of smoke. "Well, that's wonderful for her. She's a good kid." He glanced over at Shinji. "A little bit... _loud_ sometimes, but she's got a good heart, I think."

"Well, she's certainly loud," Shinji shivered.

"Oh, come on. Asuka-chan's not all that bad." Kaji turned around, so he was facing the doorway. "You know that, Shinji-kun."

He sighed. "Yeah, I know... That doesn't stop her from occasionally being the most irritating person on earth."

Kaji smirked. "Welcome to women, Shinji."

Shinji shook his head. "Kaji-san, you lived with Asuka?"

"For quite a while, yes." Kaji inhaled on his cigarette. "I know more about Sohryu than she's probably comfortable with admitting."

"Then why does she..." Shinji stopped.

Asuka's past in front of him like an open book. What exactly did he want to ask?

_Why does she always have to be the center of attention? Why does she always have to be the best at everyhing? Why does she wear the sync-clips all the time? Does she really think that impresses anyone? Why does she stay up until two every night? Is that a college thing? What's she DOING then, anyway? What did I do to make her angry in the first place?_

_And why does she look so cute when she's angry?_

Kaji raised an eyebrow, waiting for the second half of Shinji's sentence, but the boy's thoughts had completely derailed. Shinji was frozen.

"Um..."

_Has she always made that adorable noise when she stretches? Was she the most beautiful girl at her last school, too? Has she ever liked anyone her own age? How could they tell? Were there signs or anything?_

_Why does it bother me so much that she didn't talk to me about Touji?_

Shinji shook his head, trying to clear his brain.

"Sorry, what I wanted to ask was-"

"Let me say something first, Shinji-kun." Kaji held up his hand and turned to face the pilot. Shinji shut his mouth and looked up at the older man. "Do you know what the most crucial aspect of any relationship is?"

Shinji blushed slightly. "Uh..." He had no idea at all.

"I know you're new to this whole thing. Take a guess."

Shinji racked his brain, eventually shrugging. "Mutual interests?" Kaji shook his head, smiling.

"See, that's the obvious answer. A lot of people think you've got to like the same things, and that's important of course, but here's the truth," Kaji tossed his cigarette off into the abyss and put a hand on Shinji's shoulder. "The truth is that the single most important ingredient to bring two people together is _timing_."

Shinji furrowed his eyebrows.

"When I met Katsuragi in college, the reason we became a couple was because she was single and I was single. Well," Kaji looked up, trying to simplify the story. "I mean, there was more to it than that, but my point is we were in the right place at the right time. We had both dated people, we had both been hurt by the Second Impact and we were seeking out other people who had. Not consciously, of course, but I think that's what we were looking for. There were many floating around at the time. Wasn't hard to find broken people around then. I suppose it still isn't."

He leaned back, letting Shinji process the information. "I actually came very close to spending that exact time in Australia. What if I had disappeared to Sydney instead?" He shrugged. "I never would have met Misato. Probably would have dated someone else who'd lost their family in the disaster. I never would have met Asuka-chan in Germany, and I never would have been here talking to you." Kaji smiled at the prospect. "Who knows? I might have had some Australian kids crawling on my lap at this very moment."

Shinji wasn't sure he followed. "So... what you're saying is...?"

"What I'm saying is that you're very lucky to have a remarkable young lady like Sohryu sharing an apartment with you, and you're lucky to share a friendship with her. Asuka-chan doesn't open her heart to many people, Shinji-kun. If she's opened it even _slightly_ for you, then you can count yourself in the company of maybe four other people in the world." Shinji met Kaji's gaze. "But no door stays open forever."

Kaji pushed off from the rail and stretched out his neck. "Of course, if they shut it just means other doors open, too." He looked right at Shinji and winked. "Timing."

Kaji reached over and ruffled Shinji's hair. "See ya, Shinji-kun. Don't catch a cold."

The older man walked off of the balcony and shut the door behind him.

Back in Misato's room, Kaji took off his clothing and laid back down beside the woman he loved. She glanced over at him, yawning.

"You fall asleep?" he asked.

She nodded. "Mmm. Sorry."

"Dream about anything?"

"Not really." Misato lay her head on Kaji's chest and listened to his heart beating. "It was cold without you. I'm glad you're back."

Kaji smiled and closed his eyes.

"Me too."

* * *

><p>Dinner had been long and boring, filled to the brim with awkward silences. Asuka had absolutely nothing in common with Touji, save a mutual friend or two, and discussion of their shared movie had died out quickly.<p>

This lack of any mutual interests, of course, had made him the perfect candidate.

Asuka led the way up the hill, with Touji struggling behind. Luckily, there was no snow tonight, but the wind had started to bite at Asuka's exposed face. Japan could be really, _really_ cold. Who knew?

"Hey, Sohryu, not that I'm not having a total blast here," Touji called up, "but why the hell are we hiking to the top of this hill?"

Asuka ground her teeth and turned around. "Just trust me on this! Last thing, then we can go home."

"But what's with the hill? What's up there?" Touji stood his ground about ten feet below her. "Isn't it just a pull-off for cars? I thought there was just a rest stop?"

Asuka clenched her fists. "Just. Follow. Me." It was a threat. She turned around and marched up the last third of the road, Touji panting in her wake.

At the top of the hill was indeed a pull-off, and Asuka was relieved to find it completely deserted. Stepping out to the ledge, one could look out across the all of Tokyo-3, and could see the entire city lit up like fireflies (save for the dark patch in the northeast corner, the appearance of which had been foretold by TV stations for the past few weeks). Asuka looked across her home and inhaled deeply. It was truly beautiful. Kaji had taken her here the night of her arrival in Japan, and the view had taken the pilot's breath away. Asuka had chosen this exact spot in her mind for imagined liaisons with Kaji on several occasions, and it had never looked more romantic. No one on earth could have staked out a better spot. Pity about the cold and everything, but Asuka had chosen well. A smile spread across her face. Perfect candidate, perfect spot: this was going to work.

_Please let this work. _

Touji struggled and gasped his way up to the rest stop. His breath came out in short gasps, making speech difficult. "I'm not – taking – another step – until you tell me – why I'm here – Sohryu!" Asuka's proud moment disintegrated.

"Mein Gott, du bist träge..." she muttered as she walked back towards Touji. She grabbed his hand and dragged him over to where both of them could see the city clearly.

"Wh-what did – you just say?" Touji asked, still winded. He got paranoid whenever she started speaking German around him. He always assumed it was something disparaging.

"I said 'Look out at the city.'" Asuka pointed proudly. "What do you think? Isn't it a great view?"

Touji did as she suggested. The effect was largely lost on him, due to respiratory distress. He decided he should really start exercising more. The boy shrugged, finally catching his breath.

"Yeah, it's alright..." Something dawned on him. "Hold on a second, that's not the only reason I had to walk all the way up this damn hill, is it? Because, I mean, it's _swell_ and all but-"

"Will you just be patient?" Asuka yelled. Touji stopped talking. She let out a monstrous sigh and looked him right in the eyes.

"Tonight has been awful," she began. Touji found no reason to argue the point. "I hated that stupid movie, dinner was terrible, and everything pretty much sucked. We honestly gave it a shot, but this date is a failure. I don't like you."

"Good. I don't like you, either."

"I mean, I really have no feelings for you at all. You're no different from anyone else that I don't have feelings for."

"Glad we got that all sorted out. I'm going home."

"So, this should feel exactly like it did when I kissed him."

"Wait, wha-?"

Asuka grabbed Touji's face and pressed their lips together.

Positives: it was warm. His shocked yell was significantly muffled.

Negatives: everything else imaginable.

This felt all wrong. It was wet and clumsy and enormously...vacant. Asuka had only kissed one other person before in her life, and you really needed a comparison, you know? Maybe _all_ kissing felt like that? Maybe it was all that rush and flutter every time you kissed anyone, regardless of who it was?

Asuka closed her eyes and desperately tried to summon up any sort of spark between them. _It's the same. It feels just like he did. I swear. _

She pulled Touji as close to her as possible, even venturing her tongue into his mouth briefly. His arms eventually stopped flailing in protest.

After what seemed like forever, the kiss ended and both teenagers stood uncomfortably in front of each other.

Silence.

"Never, **_EVER_** do that again."

"I never will. Let's not tell anyone this happened."

"See you Monday, Sohryu." Touji turned and started back down the hill.

Asuka turned and walked to the edge, looking out over the city that had become her home. She smiled triumphantly, wiping her mouth with the back of her jacket sleeve.

_Well, that was terrible. Mission accomplished. It felt just like Shinji did. I don't care about him. He doesn't matter. He can't touch me. I'm in front of the pack looking back, where I should be._

_He can't hurt me at all._

The wind howled '_Liar'._

Asuka's smile crumbled. She pulled her coat tighter and felt her eyes start to fill with tears.

It felt like it had been forever since she'd cried that hard.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Oh, Asuka-chan, here we go again. People seem to hurt each other so often in this world. *sighs*<em>

_Thank you all very much for the kind feedback. I must also apologize for any time lapse in between updates. Work has been picking up recently, of the good-but-busy-making variety, so it may be a week or two before the next chapter. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but please let me know if you're planning on continuing reading/how I'm driving and all that. It's the reviews that keep you going, you know? :)_

_Cheers, everyone. Stay safe and warm. _


	4. Under Cover of Darkness

The cold night wind had quickly given way to snow, which had twisted into sleet and then eventually a cold, driving rain. Thunder boomed overhead as Asuka pulled her jacket tighter.

She wouldn't go home to the apartment tonight. She couldn't. Asuka felt like a hole had been punched through her gut, and returning to Misato's place would just be salting the wound. She clenched her fists. It must be past midnight. She wondered if anyone was worried yet.

A gust of wind slapped rain across her cheeks and Asuka realized she was shivering almost uncontrollably._ How long that had been happening?_

Looking around herself, Asuka realized she also had very little idea of where in the city she actually was. The buildings were alien to her, and their lights danced garishly off of every wet surface. She wouldn't ask for directions, though. Asking directions meant admitting you were lost. She bit back the tears she felt forming in her eyes again. It's not like she had a destination, anyway.

_It couldn't be true. It wasn't true. Not for him. I haven't fallen for-_

"Asuka?"

The pilot's head snapped up at the sound of her name and she found herself face to face with Hikari Horaki. The class representative stood dumbfounded, holding an umbrella, shocked. Asuka felt her head starting to spin. Everything was so numb in the cold that she felt warm.

"Asuka-chan, what're you doing out like this? Where's Suzuhara-?"

Asuka's knees wobbled and the world fell out from under her.

* * *

><p><em>It was a carnival, and Asuka was in her favorite summer dress – the white one with the red trim. She tapped her foot impatiently.<em>

"_That idiot better get here soon..." she mumbled, checking her watch. _

_And before she knew it, there he was. He had Kaji's eyes and her Father's broad shoulders to be sure, but it was Shinji. Her Baka-Shinji. He apologized for keeping her waiting and she was so happy to see him she didn't even hear the words._

_With a surge of courage, Asuka laced her fingers through his and smiled. It felt good to not lie. They were in public and everyone could see them, even the Father, The Son, and the Holy Fool, all three in a row, but she didn't care. Asuka waved her hand and as her wrist flicked all the weight lifted from her shoulders. _

_Just like that she was free._

_She had wings. She felt young. Asuka hadn't felt young in __**years**__. Young people didn't go to college before adolescence, or fight Angels. Young people fell head over heels in 'like' with each other and then held hands to let the whole world know who they belonged to. _

_Shinji turned towards her. "If you've got wings, you should use them," he remarked. He looked so handsome and mature with half of Kaji's face. "Would you like to ride the Ferris wheel?"_

_Asuka skipped. "Take me anywhere," she breathed, "I want to be your world."_

"_Love will destroy us all," he told her. She knew it was true._

_She squeezed his hand and discovered they were her Mother's hands. _

_That was when Asuka realized the rope had been around her neck the whole time. She felt it constrict and suddenly she couldn't breathe at all. The noose pulled her to the ground and dragged her into the House of Mirrors kicking and screaming and begging for help that wouldn't come._

* * *

><p>Asuka woke with a start to an unfamiliar ceiling, or rather: one she didn't immediately recognize. After all, Hikari's house was not the place she had expected to open her eyes. Sunlight cascaded through the class rep's window, illuminating every inch of the room. Asuka sat up in Hikari's bed, lazily looking around for her friend.<p>

Hikari walked into the room already dressed, carrying a pot of tea and a cup.

"Good morning!" She chirped, brightly. Asuka yawned, her reply less enthusiastic, and with decidedly less consonants. Hikari didn't mention it. "How'd you sleep?"

"Terribly. I had bad dreams I think." Asuka mumbled. "I don't remember them." Her head felt gigantic. She rubbed her face, noticing for the first time that she was in her underwear. "Why am I naked?"

"I'm sorry, Asuka-chan." Hikari said, pouring her some tea. "I washed and dried your clothes. Is that okay?" She held the cup out to Asuka, her face apologetic. The German smiled, accepting the cup.

"Of course that's okay, Hikari." Asuka sipped from the cup. The warmth from the liquid filled her chest. "Where'd you sleep?"

"On the couch. I already called Katsuragi-san and let her know you spent the night here." Hikari felt Asuka's forehead. "You felt feverish, so I figured you needed the blankets. You feel a lot better now, though." She stood up, concerned. "What were you doing outside that late? Why didn't you have an umbrella? Where was Suzuhara-kun?"

Asuka let out a long sigh, falling back onto the pillow. It was so much softer than her bed in the other apartment. "It didn't go well."

Hikari looked mortified. "...what happened? Did he... try to...?" Her face flushed red.

"No! God, nothing like that, don't worry." Asuka laughed at the idea. "Nothing happened. That was the problem. I had no idea someone so loud could be so boring."

"Oh. Well... that's good, then." Hikari breathed a sigh of relief. "I mean, not good that it went badly, b-but..." she searched for the end to her sentence. "...I mean it was a test run, right?"

In retrospect, Asuka had felt a little guilty at her choice of a guinea pig for the experiment. After all, Hikari was basically her best friend, and the class rep's feelings towards Touji were known far and wide within the school. It had been kind of a bitch move, and Asuka knew it.

"Yeah, a test run. No harm done." The smile across Hikari's face lifted Asuka's spirits. She smiled back. "Mind if I shower?"

* * *

><p>The truth was Hikari was often alone. Her youngest sister was now old enough to start making friends outside of the family, and her older sister and parents had slipped from Hikari's grasp a long time ago. She didn't feel that much of a rapport with her family anymore – it was a good house to return to at night, but it was often an empty one.<p>

Hikari was well respected in her class, but she was often uncertain just how much she was liked. Friendships proved fleeting outside of class time – conversations were often awkward and hard to hold for her. It wasn't that Hikari didn't _want_ more friends, she just rarely had the chance to prove she could be friendly. She felt like she spent much of her time ordering classmates around and nagging them for assignments.

So an invitation to any sort of social event struck her as odd, as Hikari had never been to a party before. Not a proper one, anyway. Sure, there had been birthday parties as kids, and they had been mandatory and slightly awkward, but such things had faded out about the age of ten. Now, several years later, parties meant something different.

Hikari hadn't been to one of _those_ parties, but she would be lying to say she wasn't intrigued. Another plus: parties were social events. She could meet people, she could prove she wasn't just the stodgy, by-the-book, 'class rep'. Hikari could be fun! After all, she went to _parties! _Ones with alcohol and boys! Hikari wouldn't mind being thought of as just a _little_ fun...

But 'intrigued' wasn't without it share of anxiety. What if someone saw her there and told her parents? Even if they weren't very close, they could still very easily punish Hikari, and it wasn't as if she could even make the excuse she was being dragged along by someone.

Asuka walked into the room, drying her hair and yawning.

"So," the redhead asked, "what do you want to do tonight?"

Hikari tilted her head. There was a pause before she spoke. "Well, actually..."

* * *

><p>Asuka hadn't been to a party since college. She had never been a heavy drinker, but had dabbled with her friends in Germany to decidedly negative results. Though she liked to brag about her curves, Asuka actually had a very slim figure, and was embarrassed to admit that her threshold for inebriation was quite low. Furthermore, she had discovered before that she had the alarming penchant for removing clothing when drunk, which she suspected would be even <em>less<em> amusing now then when she was eleven and no one _wanted_ to see her naked.

And so, she had agreed to accompany Hikari to the party with two mental stipulations:

_1. Let Hikari have a good time (she's a good friend, she did you a huge favor last night, and you owe her for the Touji debacle), but don't let her get carried away_ and

_2. Don't fucking drink __**anything**__._

Asuka figured it would at least be worth attending in order to distract herself from the thoughts that had been buzzing around her brain all morning, ever since the kiss with Suzuhara. She wasn't ready to face that. Not yet. She wanted to feel young, and young people put on their favorite clothes and dodged responsibility.

She glanced over at her friend, who was nervously shuffling her feet as they both stood outside of the door to the apartment. Music could be heard thudding through the walls of the building, and Hikari suddenly looked uncertain. _She's never done this. Help her out. _Asuka smirked at her friend.

"Come on," Asuka said, planting her hands on her hips. "No one ever had fun standing outside of a party."

Asuka opened the door and pushed Hikari in first before entering in her usual fashion.

The apartment was packed – there were people in every corner of every room. Asuka scanned the crowds, recognizing students from all over their school – mostly people she saw in the hallways from other homerooms, but a few from 2-A as well.

_No wonder Hikari was invited. Nobody WASN'T. _Asuka deemed it prudent not to point this out to her friend, glanced over at Hikari, who still hovered in the doorway. She met Asuka's eyes like a fawn in headlights.

"Well, don't have too much fun all at once." Asuka rolled her eyes.

"Um... you know, now that we're here, I'm not so sure about this..."

"Oh come on! Where's your backbone, Horaki!" The German grabbed her friend's arm and dragged her deeper into the apartment, amidst her protests.

"No, Asuka! Wait a second-"

"Hikari-chan!" At the sound of the foreign voice, Hikari stopped struggling. Two classmates from 2-A bounded up to them, beaming. "I can't believe you actually came! And you brought Sohryu-chan, too!"

"Hey, guys!" Asuka had to nearly shout to make her voice heard over the music. She struggled to remember their names. "It's packed! How many people are here, anyway?"

"God, I'm not even sure," one of them confessed. "A lot more than I thought there would be!"

Asuka forced herself to laugh. _Nope. I have no idea what your name is._

"Do you want something, Hikari-chan?" The girl asked, motioning to the mixed drink in her hands.

For a moment, the girl seemed hesitant, then a wave of resolve washed over her face and she nodded. "Yes, please." She glanced over at Asuka, and the redhead gave her a wink.

"Have fun."

The girls led Hikari off into the human abyss. Asuka felt a little proud of her friend, but vowed to check on her as the night went on. She let the smile fall from her face, cracked her neck and set off into the house. _There's bound to be some fun around here, somewhere. _

Asuka elbowed and side-stepped her way through seemingly all of her middle school to get to the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator, she rummaged around for some carbonated drink she would be able to fake for something alcoholic. Asuka figured she'd just as soon not explain to anyone _why_ she wasn't drinking, so she'd choke down some coke and hope everyone around her was too drunk to notice. On the off chance they did realize, Asuka decided she'd tell them in no uncertain terms to fuck off and mind their own business. _Ah. There it is. _She grabbed a red cup and poured.

Walking back through the main room, her mind began to wander. She wondered if it would be at all possible for her to somehow slip out for an hour or two and find something else to do. But where could she go, anyway? It wasn't as if she had-

And then something bumped into Asuka's back, causing her to spill her soda everywhere, though mostly down the front of her white shirt with the red trim.

"Oh, you son of a _bitch_!" Her voice right through the cacophony of the music and room chatter, and soon half the room was turned towards her and her unfortunate victim. For a moment, she stared down at her doused stomach, helpless to do anything but watch as the dark liquid stained the fabric. _I loved this shirt..._ Her empty cup dropped to the floor, crushed.

"You're _dead!_" The fuming redhead spun and grabbed the shirt cuff of the interloper, cocking her fist back for a punch. "You like the idea of eating your own teeth?"

"No! I'm sorry! I was just pushed and I stumbled! It was an accident!"

Asuka's blood froze. _No._

She knew that voice. She knew this face. When no punch came, the boy looked up at his attacker and his jaw slackened.

"...Sohryu?" Kensuke adjusted his glasses to make sure he wasn't mistaken. Asuka released her captive. _No. If Aida's here then that means..._

"I don't know what's happening, Touji. Just wait a second and we'll find out." Shinji made his way through the gawking crowd towards the center, where a circle had formed around the combatants. Upon his arrival at the edge of the circle, he stopped dead, caught by the coldest of blue stares.

"Is it over? Did we miss a fight?" Touji emerged from behind Shinji. "Where's Kensuke, anyway? Maybe he saw something?" Soon the smirk disappeared from Touji's face altogether.

"Aw, hell."

* * *

><p>In the hallway outside the party, moments later:<p>

"What are you doing here?" Asuka demanded.

"What am **I** doing here? You didn't come home last night, Asuka. We were worried sick!" Shinji returned her glare. "And now you're at some party? What's going through your head? What are _you_ doing here?"

"I'm here for Hikari!" Asuka was doing her very best to keep her voice at a reasonable volume, but she wasn't succeeding. "She pulled me off the street and gave me a place to stay for the night! It was the least I could do for her! She's my best friend."

"I went home after the date. Just saying." Touji offered. "Not sure what got _you_ so sidetracked that you were all the way over near the class rep's house."

"Nobody asked you, Suzuhara! I can wander wherever the hell I want!" She turned back to Shinji. "Why are you here?"

"I was at Touji's house. Blackout happened." Shinji shrugged. "We came here. There's supposed to be one at Misato's later anyway, so I-"

"I'm really sorry about bumping you, Sohryu!" Kensuke piped up from near the doorway. "I just wanted to make it abundantly clear, with everyone as witnesses: I'm sorry. It was an accident." He adjusted his glasses and slinked towards the nearest possible exit. "...that is all."

"How do you know where Hikari's house is, by the way?" Asuka shot spitefully at Touji. "Just as a matter of passing interest. Been there often?"

"Is that coke on your blouse? Was the two percent milk too strong for you?"

Asuka's look could have wilted flowers. She reddened slightly. "Bite me."

"Why didn't you come home?" Shinji stared at the redhead, confused. "I was up waiting for you until-"

"I just had to clear my head, okay?" Asuka said. "It's really not a big deal. Let it go."

"In a storm like that? Are you insane?" Shinji was incredulous. "You could have gotten hurt!"

"It_ was_ pretty intense last night..." Kensuke added, contemplatively.

"No, really. I'm honestly kind of curious, Sohryu. What's with the soda?" Touji pointed to the dark stain down Asuka's front. "I mean, there's alcohol stuffed into every corner in there. You must have really had to search to get something that wasn't beer. Why?"

Asuka's eyes blazed. "Maybe I didn't _want_ beer, you idiot!" The pilot abandoned any pretense of being quiet. "I'm Asuka Langley Sohryu! I'm the best Evangelion pilot in the goddamn country! I can drink what I want!"

"What would we have done if you got hurt, Asuka?" Shinji continued. "You're important to a lot of people."

"Oh, because we can't get hurt when we pilot," she countered derisively. "I can take care of myself, Shinji! I don't need anyone to look out for me! Least of all-"

"Wait a second..." Touji pointed accusingly at her, a laugh escaping his lips. "You're scared! You've never been drunk, have you, Sohryu? You don't know what it feels like and you're scared!"

Asuka flushed a deep, crimson red, and her hands clenched tightly into fists. "I am_ not _scared."

"Well, you sure look scared." Touji smiled. "Are you positive you don't want to put some ice in your-"

She grabbed the front of Touji's shirt and slammed the boy into the wall, cutting him off mid-sentence. Shinji and Kensuke watched, too stunned to intercede on either side. When Asuka spoke, the tone of her voice was unmistakably hostile.

"Let's get one thing straight here, Suzuhara: I am _**not **_scared. I pilot a machine you couldn't begin to comprehend, facing true horror on a daily basis to save people like _you_ from having to die. The fate of the world is on my shoulders. The life of every single person in that room and in this city depends on what I do when I wake up in the morning, and how good I am at doing it." Asuka brought their faces within inches of each other. Her final words came out in a whisper. "I'm not scared of _anything_."

The music from the party hit a surge, and cheering could be heard from inside of the room.

Touji smirked.

"...prove it."

* * *

><p>"They're just shots, Sohryu. No big deal." Touji shrugged, gesturing to the drinks on the table between them. There were two rows of five shots, one lined up after the other, half for Touji and half for her. "Nothing you can't handle, I'm sure."<p>

"Then why are we still talking about it?" Asuka gestured towards the boy with her chin. "On three." The crowd around them counted down enthusiastically, and Asuka knocked back the first tumbler.

"Asuka, this is stupid," Shinji stood next to his friend, his brow furrowed. "Let's go home."

She shook her head, swallowing the liquid. It burned as it went down her throat. _This is a mistake_. "Shut up, Shinji." She put the glass down. "Next one. On three." Touji nodded and Asuka picked up the next drink.

"You don't have to prove anything!" Shinji spread his arms in protest. "Touji's just being an idiot."

Three. Two. One.

Another. Asuka felt a shudder run through her body. "You still game, Suzuhara?"

"You kidding? I could do this all night!" He smiled. "Next!" They picked up their shots in tandem.

Hikari emerged next to Shinji, a drink in her hand, looking slightly dazed. "What's going on?" she asked no one in particular.

"THREE -Asuka- TWO -honestly- ONE! -stop." Shinji grabbed at his friend's arm, which she wrenched out of his grasp as she downed the shot.

Asuka felt her fingers starting to numb pleasantly. _Damn it. That's happening fast. Why do I have the alcohol tolerance of an infant?_

Scowling, she angrily grabbed the next glass. _Just one more after this. Just one more._ Touji drew his arm across his mouth, his eyes bright with triumph. _He thinks I can't do it. _Asuka fumed. She shot her fourth drink, threw down the cup, and took the last in a single motion, not tasting the contents of either one. The last glass fumbled out of her hands, but Asuka held her arms aloft victoriously. _Done._

The crowd cheered, and she laughed despite herself. The room felt stiflingly hot, and Asuka realized she was sweating. She turned to Touji, and pointing a finger at him, she said: "Not anything, Touji. Nothing at all."

He put his glass on the table, swallowing the last of the shots. He clapped out congratulations, and Asuka found herself fascinated by the movement of his hands. She held the table for support. It was so hot in this damn room. She pinched the front of her dress and fanned herself with it.

Looking over to her right, she saw Shinji looking worried. _Why are you always so worried, Shinji? I'm fine. If you've got wings you should use them._ Asuka couldn't remember for the life of her where she'd heard that phrase before. Letting go of the table, a smile burst across her face. "I'm still standing, Shinji. Don't need any help."

He didn't say anything back.

"Another round?" Touji asked.

"Hell yes." Asuka replied. "Do your worst."

Shinji stood and watched as his friend drank herself into oblivion.

* * *

><p>It was late, maybe past two, but Kyo had his target picked a long time ago: the redhead. She was blasted – couldn't even stand properly. He watched as she fell to the floor for the umpteenth time, and marveled at how she was even still conscious. She stayed on the floor this time, on her back, laughing at the ceiling, and held her arms out, waving her hands to try and touch the lamp 10 feet above her.<p>

She was the one, alright. Completely blacked out. She wouldn't remember anything in the morning. Kyo licked his lips and took strides towards her.

Crouching next to the foreigner, Kyo offered a hand.

"You look tired," he said, smiling. "Would you like to find somewhere to lie down?"

The girl looked over at him. Some slurred language Kyo didn't understand came out, and she laughed at her own joke. The redhead propped herself up on her arms and looked over at him. She cleared her throat.

"No. Go away." She fell back down to the carpet. Undeterred, Kyo reached down for her arm.

"Come on," he entreated, "it's getting a little late. It's high time we found somewhere you can spend the night, don't you think? I think there's a free room down the hallway if-"

The girl's hand flew through the air and struck Kyo across the face hard, forcing him to relinquish his grip on her elbow. "Fick dich!" she bellowed. She rolled off of her stomach onto her back. "Warum fühle ich so heiß? Fühlst du dich heiß, auch?"

Fusiously, Kyo grabbed her shoulders. "Listen up you little bitch," he hissed. "I don't think you're quite getting the message here..."

"Let go of her right now."

Kyo looked up. _Oh, this guy._ It was her short friend. Kyo had seem him hanging around the girl all night, and had chosen this moment to strike due to his absence. Friends were usually witnesses, which could be annoying down the road.

This kid was shrimpy though, and Kyo was pretty certain he'd also been drinking himself_. _Kyo released the girl and stood to his full height, towering over the boy.

"I think the lady needs a place to sleep it off. I was being kind enough to offer her assistance."

"She said no."

"You sure about that?" Kyo leaned forward, his voice a growl. This was the moment most friends crumbled and left well enough alone. To his surprise, the boy didn't flinch.

"She's not interested. Get out of here." He walked over to the girl on the ground and slung her arm over his shoulder. "Come on, Asuka. We're going home."

Kyo lunged forward, punching the boy across the face and sprawling him across the ground. He didn't move. _That settles that._

Kyo was surprised by a projectile beer bottle smacking him in the side of the head, followed by a taller boy leaping into the confrontation and punching him in the gut. "Stay away from Shinji!" he yelled, swinging wildly. He was significantly more inebriated than his shrimpy friend, and his attacks flung nowhere near Kyo at all.

"To the left, Touji! The left!" A third boy with glasses hung on the outskirts of the fight beside a mousy girl holding a plastic cup. She yelled, too: "Suzuhara-kun! Watch out for Asuka-chan!"

"Stand still, you asshole!" The taller boy tripped over the slumbering foreigner and fell face first onto the floor. The first boy to got back to his feet.

Shrimpy cocked back his fist and leapt upon Kyo, driving him to the ground and landing a flurry of surprisingly strong blows across Kyo's face.

Kyo felt his vision beginning to creep in at the edges. He tasted blood in his mouth, and his head was killing him from where the bottle had hit it before. The boy gathered Kyo's shirt in his hands and pulled him close enough to hear.

"She's drunk. She probably has no idea what she's doing. That means that tonight she's _off limits. _If you get up again, you'll regret it for the rest of your life, I swear to god." He let Kyo fall back onto the floor and stood up.

Shinji wiped the blood off of his knuckles as he walked over to his friend. "Touji, are you okay?"

Touji sat up. "Where'd he go? Is it done?" Shinji offered a hand.

"Thank you."

Touji took the hand and stood, smiling. "Anytime." Hikari came to his side, offering him a shoulder to lean on. "I was pretty good back there, eh? What do you think, class rep?" Hikari blushed, partially from alcohol, and partially from the contact with her crush.

"I thought you were wonderful, Suzuhara-kun..." she admitted shyly. Touji grinned broadly.

"Look, Kensuke. I'm wonderful."

"You're also bleeding." Kensuke offered a napkin. "Here. Your nose." Hikari took the napkin and began to gently dab at Touji's face.

Shinji leaned down and scooped up Asuka in his arms. Fast asleep, she was lighter than he thought anyone could possibly be.

Every once in a while, when it was early in the morning or late at night, Asuka would fall asleep next to Shinji on the couch in Misato's apartment, and though he would never admit it, he thought Asuka looked like an angel when she slept. Certainly she was no longer the terror of her waking hours. Suddenly, the meticulously placed defenses were down, and there was indeed a girl underneath the jaded armor.

He felt her nuzzle into the crook of his arm and he realized she was talking.

"Don't get hurt..." she muttered. "What would I do if you got hurt...? Baka-Shinji..." Shinji felt his heart melt.

Turning to his friends, he decided: "We're leaving."

* * *

><p>It was past three am when Shinji walked into Misato's apartment, Asuka slung over his back. She had proven much heavier when the adrenalin from the fight had worn out, and Shinji waddled under her weight into her bedroom. Letting her fall off his back, onto her cot, he let out a massive sigh of relief.<p>

"We're home," he announced to no one at all. _Where's Misato?_

Shinji fell back on top of Asuka, lying for a second to catch his breath. Under his weight, Asuka stirred.

"Mein Gott..." she yawned, sitting up. "Where am I?"

"You're back at the apartment. I carried you." He let out a large breath of air. "It sucked."

Asuka giggled, and Shinji was struck by how pleasing a sound it was to his ears. "Sorry," she said. He sighed.

"Don't worry about it. I'm just happy to be home." He laughed. "It's been a weird night. To be honest, I didn't expect for it to end with me getting in a fight and then hauling you halfway across the city on my back." He touched the bruise on his cheek from where that guy had punched him. _How the hell did THAT whole thing happen?_

Asuka's hand reached down and played with his hair absently. "So strong, Shinji-kun..."

Shinji felt an involuntary shudder run through his body at her touch and the tone of her voice. It sounded...

_...incredibly sexy._

He sat up immediately, turning on the overhead lamp. Asuka winced, letting out a tone of displeasure at the intrusion of the light. "Well, I'm off to bed," Shinji announced, moving towards the doorway. "Goodnight."

"Shinji, wait." Asuka reached for him, and against his better judgment, he stopped. He knew he couldn't stay here. His willpower wouldn't hold out much longer, and the last person on earth he wanted to be like was that monster who had attacked them at the party.

"Don't leave." she said, and for once, it was not a command. She was asking him. "Please," she continued, standing and advancing unsteadily towards him. Shinji was frozen, halfway out of the door. Asuka's hand slid across his arm. Shinji looked into her eyes. Those deep, blue eyes. They were so hopeful.

"Stay with me?"

With a low hum, all the power in the apartment shut off. _The blackout._ Shinji swallowed, engulfed by shadows, no longer able to see his friend at all. He trembled slightly. This had to end here.

"We're both really tired," he began. "We should -"

"I lied before."

"...what?"

"About not being afraid of anything. That's bullshit. I _wish_ I wasn't afraid. The Angels scare me, pain scares me, death scares me, all sorts of things do. But... the truth is that sometimes I'm so scared, that I push away what I really want. Because if I can't have what I want... then I don't want to want it. Do you know what I mean? I don't know if I'm making any sense. I think I'm pretty drunk." He heard her laugh softly. In the black it felt as if they were the only two people left in the entire world.

"I'm not afraid right now, Shinji," her hand gently squeezed his arm. "It might just be the alcohol but, hey, if you've got wings..."

"Asuka, what are you-"

"Stop talking."

"But-"

Shinji felt hands loop around the back of his neck, and Asuka pulled him into a soft, tender kiss. Time stopped completely. Shinji forgot what he was talking about, he forgot everything that had been worrying him. He tasted her, he felt her in his arms, and she was perfect.

Asuka, for her part, simply felt complete. She had never felt anything so beautiful before in her entire life.

Eventually, the kiss stopped, and the two teenagers held each other at arm's length. Their breathing was the only sound in the apartment. Shinji felt her finger lightly touch his nose.

"Baka..." there was a smile in her voice.

Asuka let go of him for a moment, and Shinji heard the rustling of her shirt being pulled off.

Suddenly, Shinji realized where he was, and his pulse raced. He had fantasized about this moment for years, but those had been harmless fantasies. He never thought it would actually ever be happening to him. There were no repercussions in fantasies, real life was not so forgiving. He desperately wanted Asuka, more than he imagined possible, but not like this. Through the buzz in his head, he heard his conscience clear as day:

_This isn't right. She's drunk. You're drunk. Don't let this happen._

"Hold on," he said, "this isn't-"

Asuka pulled Shinji into a deeper kiss, and without further protest, they fell together onto the floor, under cover of darkness.

* * *

><p><em>AN: But of course that's not the end. There are, after all, consequences for every action, and <strong>these<strong> consequences are just too intriguing not to give at least a once-over. I'm thinking one more chapter left before this story is over, perhaps two if I'm feeling really verbose. Hopefully it's a happy ending, as this monster's kind of taken on a life of its own when I type. Heh, was not originally planning to go all 'in vino veritas' on everyone, so all bets for my original plans are kind of off... _

_Regardless, thank you for your patience with me and my work here. I hope it's been entertaining, and I'll try to get the conclusion to you as soon as possible. _


	5. All I Have

Warmth. Something warm and soft and gentle. Her bare foot was touching it.

Asuka opened her eyes to white-hot pain from the morning sunlight. She groaned. Her head still stung horribly from the events of last night, and movement exacerbated the pain. Deeming waking up to be a terrible idea, Asuka rolled over, cuddling into the aforementioned warm, soft, gentle something.

Only semi-conscious, she wrapped her arms around the other occupant of the bed and pulled him towards her, making a small noise of pleasure at the touch of skin and departure of light. His arms wrapped around her reciprocally, bringing her closer, until her limbs were entwined with his, shifting slightly for comfort. Asuka breathed in happily. This place was safe. She was protected. _This is perfect_.

But then, through the haze of hangover and sleepiness, Asuka realized it was unusual for her to have anything in her bed save for herself. Investigation was probably advisable. She sat up gingerly, holding her skull and reeling from the massive headache that kicked into high gear at every small movement. Slowly, painfully, Asuka opened her eyes.

She couldn't stop the gasp from escaping her lips.

_No._

Cold fear surged through her body. She was naked. Shinji was naked. Asuka's immediately hand shot beneath the covers to between her legs.

_Please no. Please._

_Oh thank __**GOD**__._

Asuka exhaled a massive sigh, almost laughing with relief. She held her arms, letting the panic slowly ebb away.

_Nothing happened. She's still there. Nothing happened..._

Swallowing, she glanced over at the sleeping boy next to her. Asuka's movements had pulled the covers down, revealing more of Shinji than modesty would normally allow. Blushing, Asuka gently pulled the sheets above his waist. She couldn't help but also notice a bruise forming on his cheek and what looked like scratches on his back from nails. Her brow furrowed.

_Well, SOMETHING happened. _

Asuka closed her eyes and struggled to remember, trying to _will_ her mind to fill in the blanks. She remembered the first two rounds of shots with Touji, she remembered hearing Hikari's laughter, and she had vague memories of tripping over a stool. Asuka felt for her elbow, wincing with pain at the touch. _Yeah, that definitely happened._

But what about Shinji? The two pilots were furious at each other yesterday morning, now they were naked together, sharing a bed. The whole transition period was a blur – as if someone had taken their finger and smudged Asuka's memory like an oil painting. Now it was barely discernable at all.

A terrifying absence loomed in her mind. Even if they hadn't had sex, Asuka was embarrassingly aware of the myriad other possibilities of what two teenagers could accomplish nude. Her hand covered her mouth in horror, dread sinking down upon her like a thousand-pound weight.

She delicately stepped off the side of her bed, careful not to wake its other occupant, and stepped over to her closet. Quietly, she slipped into some clothes and exited the room.

In the hallway, Asuka made a point to slide the door to Shinji's room closed, just in case Misato wasn't home yet and hadn't seen it open. With the entrance to the vacant room secure, she walked to the bathroom, stepped inside, and locked the door behind her.

Asuka immediately collapsed to the floor and buried her face in her knees. Tears welled up in her eyes. She felt sick to her stomach, her head was killing her, and the discovery upon waking had proved overwhelming to her system. She was utterly miserable.

Asuka hugged her knees to her chest, shutting out the fluorescent bathroom light. _What happened with Shinji last night? What did I do? What the hell did I say?_ She closed her eyes and thought of the person in her bed. Did she have _any_ memories of him from last night after the shots?

Slowly, hazy images appeared: Shinji looking worried about something, Shinji catching her after she stumbled, she remembered how his hands felt grabbing her waist as she fell, she remembered him...

...did Shinji get in a fight?

_That's completely ridiculous. _That didn't happen. Must have been a dream.

Beyond that, Asuka just associated Shinji of last night with warmth, which wasn't very helpful at all. Alcohol made her feel like she was burning up when she drank too much of it, of course she would be warm.

Regardless, she couldn't face him now. _What day was it, anyway? Sunday?_ Asuka massaged her temple with one of her hands and focused on controlling her breathing.

This was all wrong. Shinji and her should be watching television right now, eating breakfast, making digs at each other. Laughing. They should be friends. Didn't he realize that she enjoyed the time they spent together? Weren't they friends?

_What are we now?_

Asuka lurched towards the toilet and vomited.

She was crying in the bathroom when she realized the phone was ringing.

* * *

><p>"Get up."<p>

Clothing hit Shinji in the face, and he was dragged into consciousness. He sat upright in Asuka's bed, his head screaming at the movement all the way. Shinji focused his eyes with a deal of discomfort.

Asuka stood several feet away, scowling at Shinji defiantly. She slipped her red clips back into her hair.

"We've got sync tests at the Geofront in an hour," she stated flatly. "We leave when you're dressed."

Asuka turned around and exited her room before Shinji could formulate a response. It took several minutes for the hangover to wear off enough for Shinji to realize where exactly he was, and begin to panic.

* * *

><p>Asuka and Shinji walked down the street side by side, neither one brave enough to meet the other's eyes. Though the silence was deafening, Shinji was glad to see that Asuka had at least stopped trying to avoid him. He had grown tired over the last week of staring at the redhead's back.<p>

_Well, not __**all**__ of her back is so awful to look at..._

Shinji reddened slightly, but the thought failed to cheer him up. It wasn't the time. Especially in light of waking in her bed unclothed. Shinji chanced a glance over at Asuka, but he found her face inscrutable. _Did she remember anything?_ This was stupid. Things need to be said. Air needed to be cleared right now.

Shinji cleared his throat and spoke. "Um..." The syllable hung in the air between them. Asuka gave no sign of hearing anything. Shinji massaged his head, which still whined in protest at any sound. He grit his teeth and continued.

"Asuka, I'm going to be honest with you: I don't remember last night at all. How far exactly...? I mean, what... um... did we...?" Shinji swallowed, guiltily. "Did we have-?"

"No. We didn't." It was the first she had spoken since they left the apartment.

"Oh..." Shinji breathed a sigh of relief. "That's... really good news." Asuka's eye twitched.

"I'm glad the thought of physical contact with me disgusts you so much," she mumbled.

"You know that's not what I meant."

Asuka's brow furrowed darkly. "Uh-huh."

"Well, look... I'm... I'm actually glad that it didn't happen. It changes things between people, you know?" No response. Shinji swallowed his pride and continued. "But, that aside... look, I don't even know how to begin to apologize for... whatever I did to you. I was drunk, and that's just not-"

"I don't remember it, either."

"What?" Shinji blinked, thrown off and a little embarrassed. It had taken him the better part of thirty minutes to summon up the courage for that confession. "Hold on, if you don't remember either, then how do you know..?"

Wait for it.

"OH."

Shinji finally stopped, the thought proving too surprising for his legs to continue walking. Asuka came to a halt as well, but didn't turn around. She chose instead to face away, towards their destination.

Shinji shuddered. "I'm sorry. I had no idea you were still..." He blushed deeply. "I mean, I guess I'd kind of _assumed_, but..." Shinji decided to let the sentence die in his throat.

"...but what?"

Shinji grimaced. "I don't know, Asuka," he continued, "I mean, you're popular and you're so confident. And I mean, you've been through college already, sometimes part of me had kind of wondered if you'd already... you know..."

"You realize I was twelve when I completed college?"

Asuka's voice cut like a knife. Shinji didn't respond.

"You're an idiot," Asuka growled. She refused to turn around, shaking with anger. Shinji noticed how tightly her fists were clenched. "You're _such_ an ungodly idiot."

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I never really thought that hard about it."

A car passed the two on the road, and Shinji shivered. _That bed had been so warm..._ In front of him, he watched as Asuka's fists slowly unclenched. He couldn't see her face, but when she spoke, her tone lacked its prior spite.

"Look, neither of us remembers last night, right?"

Shinji nodded. "Yes."

She sighed, "We didn't have sex, so as far as I'm concerned: nothing happened. We shared a bed. It's happened before, platonically. We'll treat this like we fell asleep on the couch." Asuka turned her head, glancing over her shoulder. "Never talk to me about this again."

She turned sharply, walking towards Nerv, and he followed in the prints she left behind her.

* * *

><p>Asuka stuffed her civilian clothes into her locker and pressed the button on her wrist, prompting the plugsuit to let out a puff of air and pull snug against her body. She sighed and stretched the kinks out of her neck on the locker room bench. Her hangover was mercifully ebbing, but Asuka was sure that she'd still get shit from Ritsuko for its adverse effects on her ability to interface with her Evangelion.<p>

So there was _that_ to look forward to.

Asuka's back cracked. Sync tests were just so boring. She realized they were important, but she just could never summon up the sentiment that it wasn't somehow wasting her time. She sighed. _As long as I don't fall asleep again_. _The way Misato and Shinji go on about it you'd think I was narcoleptic. _She was starting to realize she'd probably never live that down._ It was just one time, for the love of-_

"Did you sleep with Ikari?"

The shock of another voice caused Asuka to nearly fall off the bench. Rei hadn't bothered to give any indication she was going to speak before doing so, and the German had been too lost in her thoughts to notice the other pilot lurking behind her.

Asuka whirled.

"Wh-wha? How did you-?" she bit back her words, as to not accidently say anything incriminating. Her mind was doing summersaults under Rei's unforgiving stare. Asuka gathered herself before continuing, embarrassed by her momentary sputter. "Why would you possibly think that?"

"You smell like Ikari this morning," Rei stated, simply.

"_What?_ We're roommates, Wonder Girl! If you live with anyone long enough-"

"And he smelled like you. More than usual."

"We _live together!_ It happens! I mean, _Scheiße_, take a second and think before you start accusing people of-"

"Also, alcohol. Some sweat." Rei's voice held absolute conviction. Asuka was dumbfounded.

"Do you always notice how people... smell?" Asuka asked, genuinely a little curious. Rei made no motion to the affirmative, still waiting for an answer to her own question.

_An answer she already knew._ Asuka blushed angrily.

"There is something wrong with you, Wonder Girl. Really." Asuka stood, slamming her locker door shut. "Talk to Risuko and get your damn head sorted out."

"Do you like Ikari?"

Asuka stopped dead.

"Romantically," Rei clarified.

The German's head tilted slightly downwards as Rei waited patiently. Asuka clenched her teeth. She hated Rei, partially because of petty jealousy (Asuka considered Rei prettier than herself, and was admittedly envious of the other girl's more generously proportioned body) and partially because try as she might, Asuka just didn't _get_ her. She could never comprehend what Rei was thinking. It was as if the two spoke entirely different languages, which were translated between them by someone who spoke neither one very deftly. This was Rei's fault, of course. _Why couldn't she just act like a normal person?_

Rei was still waiting.

"..._why_?" Asuka hissed.

"I am curious." Her voice was honest. Asuka wondered if Rei ever lied. She sighed heavily.

"What does it matter?"

"It doesn't," Ayanami confessed, "but I'm curious, nonetheless. Did you sleep together?" Asuka felt a spike of anger. She found Rei's directness infuriating.

Glancing over her shoulder at the blue haired girl, Asuka snarled, "We didn't fuck, if that's what you're asking."

"It wasn't," Rei said, meeting her gaze calmly. Asuka averted her eyes, embarrassed at her sudden outburst. "I'll rephrase the question," Rei continued, "Do you have feelings for Ikari-kun?"

Silence.

Asuka waited a long time before saying anything at all. When her voice emerged, it was in the faintest of whispers.

Rei heard her answer, and nodded.

"I see," she said simply.

Asuka turned towards Rei, searching for some kind of connection, forgiveness, an absolution of any kind. This secret was a truth Asuka could hardly even admit to herself. She had never told anybody; only Rei. She suddenly became aware of how vulnerable she felt.

For her part, Rei's face was utterly blank. After a moment, she opened her mouth, and softly spoke.

"You are not alone."

For the first time in her life, Asuka felt true warmth towards the other girl. She briefly saw herself and Rei for what they were: two people in the same fire. _You are not alone._._._ Asuka smiled.

"Well, let's not get all _mushy_ about it."

Summarily ignoring her, Rei walked past Asuka and out of the locker room, towards the loading bays. The annoyance flooded back.

'_Mushy' from The First Child. __**Right**__._

Asuka tossed her hair and followed after the other girl.

* * *

><p>"What's she doing?"<p>

"Asuka-chan?"

"Yes," Ritsuko pointed to the picture of the girl on the monitor. "Look. These readings are..."

"...garbage." Misato completed her sentence. The women sat apart from the rest of the team in the monitoring station, allowing them to have the correct amount of privacy for candid conversations. Below them, and through the glass, the three entry plugs lay silent. Misato stood, slightly worried. "...is she asleep again?"

Ritsuko smirked, bringing up another monitor. "I don't think so. But, still the reading is... _abysmal._ Everything seems to be working, too." She took off her glasses, massaging the area between her eyes. "The trouble is with the pilot. How bizarre. This isn't like her at all."

"Could it be something on her mind?" Misato offered. Ritsuko shrugged.

"Perhaps. If so, it would have to be really bothering her. Commanding most of her attention." Ritsuko glanced sideways at her friend. "Any ideas what _that_ might be?"

The lines in Misato's face deepened, and she shook her head to the negative. She sighed, regretfully. "I haven't been home much." Misato paused briefly, thinking. "...but she _did_ go on a date the other night." She looked knowingly at Ritsuko. Ritsuko exhaled, replacing her glasses on her face.

"Why don't you take the call privately?"

"Yeah, good idea." Misato slipped on the earpiece and, walking over to the intercom, she opened the channel to Unit 02. "Asuka?"

The pilot's eyes flicked open on the monitor.

"How're you feeling today? Anything you'd like to talk about?"

Asuka thought carefully before responding. She leaned her head to the side, disappointment etched into her features. "...the readings are low, aren't they?"

"Don't worry about that right now. Let's just talk." Misato was concerned, but didn't want to overplay it. She had lived with the German girl long enough to know that few things in the world made Asuka angrier than to feel someone was coddling her. Misato knew she had to talk about the date, but she should start small. _Something insignificant._ _Chit-chat._ She cleared her throat. "I've been so busy in the office lately I feel like I've barely seen you guys. What did you and Shinji end up doing last night?"

Asuka stared off into space, not answering for quite some time. Misato's brow furrowed. _Did she hear me?_ She was about to repeat the question when Asuka spoke: "We watched TV," she swallowed. "It was boring, really. Late night programming is so terrible."

Misato raised her eyebrows, studying the girl's face on the screen. _She's lying._ "Wasn't there a blackout last night?"

"Yeah. It was later, though. Around three."

"I see," Misato continued. "That sounds fun, though. Were you warm enough? It's been so freezing-"

"I was fine. It wasn't that cold."

_Huh._

Misato's curiosity was piqued, but she knew when she was being shut out. Right now, Asuka was a closed door. Pushing further would only serve to make her angry. This would just have to wait.

She sighed, pressing the button to talk.

"Well, that's good," she said. "Look, your readings are a little low. Maybe we could increase the LCL concentration a little? Just to see if it will help with the interface at all."

"No. Don't."

"Ritsuko's been wanting to try and test it out. Might come in handy in battle if we're ever in a tight spot."

"I don't need a handicap." Asuka grimaced. "I'm sorry, I'll concentrate harder." She closed her eyes. Misato sighed.

"Try your best, Asuka-chan." She clicked off the intercom and took the earpiece off, crossing her arms.

Ritsuko turned to her superior. "Orders?"

Misato weighed her options.

"Do it. Slowly," she shrugged. "What Asuka doesn't know won't hurt her pride, and if this works, it might just come in handy down the line. She probably won't even notice." Misato turned to Ritsuko, winking. "Our little secret?"

Ritsuko smiled. "Naturally."

And it was done.

* * *

><p>Asuka often thought of the LCL as a hot bath. Truth be told, there was something about its temperature and consistency that just felt soothing to her. She inhaled through her nose and let it permeate her being. Asuka felt weightless.<p>

_Why do I feel so fuzzy?_

Asuka opened her eyes, looking towards the front of her cockpit. Curious, she pressed her fingers together.

_Have they always felt like that?_ She tilted her head. _I wonder what they felt last night..._

Asuka angrily shook her head, closing her eyes tightly. _Stop it! Concentrate on the test. __**Concentrate**__. Clear your stupid head and don't worry about what happened-_

And then suddenly it was there. The memory. Everything she had wanted to know. Every sensation she had felt, every decision she had made poured into her mind like a deluge, and the emotions were overwhelming.

Asuka choked back a sob, and realized she was crying. _He said... we didn't... _

She turned towards Unit 01's test plug and clicked the button to open a channel.

"Shinji-"

But that was all Asuka had time to say, because that was when the Angel attacked.

* * *

><p>When Shinji fell onto the bed, Asuka landed on top of him. He grunted under the weight of her body, and she laughed at the unexpected noise.<p>

"Sorry," she whispered. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry."

"Good," Asuka leaned in and kissed Shinji again, prompting his arms to loop around her back and hold her steady.

Shinji realized he had never been on Asuka's bed before. The western bed was definitely softer than the futon he was used to lying down on in the next room, and the sheets smelled just like she did. He had caught whiffs of Asuka's scent here and there, enough to identify it as its own unique (and distinctly intoxicating) construct, but he had never been so engulfed in it. It felt intimate – like a secret only he knew, a place only he'd been. He liked the feeling. Asuka's hands pulled off his shirt.

"I'm glad I didn't hurt you. I hate it when you get hurt," she admitted, trailing kisses gently down the side of Shinji's face. "I think you're really brave, honestly."

"...really?"

She laughed, embarrassed. "God, um... could you forget I just said that? I must sound like such an idiot right now. I'll shut up."

"It's okay," Shinji laughed with her. Alcohol really _did_ make people more honest. A sober Asuka would never have told him that. "Honestly, I don't think you sound stupid at-"

She planted her lips on his neck and gently applied suction. Shinji gasped at the sensation. Asuka's hands navigated to his belt.

"No! Nononono, okay, this has to stop."

He squirmed out from her arms and sat up. Shinji's eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness. He could just make out the outline of the German in the gloom, on the edge of her bed. She brushed hair behind her ear and tilted her head at him.

"Was that... bad?" she asked meekly. "I haven't had any practice..."

"No! I mean..." Shinji turned deep crimson. "I-it felt wonderful. That's not the problem, it's just that..." He took a second to gather himself, groping for words in his slight haze of drink. "We shouldn't do this. You're drunk."

"But... I want to." Asuka smiled. "I mean, I really do. I have for the longest time. Do you not?"

No answer.

She moved her hand over his. "Don't you think I'm pretty?"

Shinji gulped, "That's unfair."

"Don't you?"

"...of course I do."

"Then what's the problem?" Asuka leaned in to kiss him again, but this time Shinji jerked away.

"Will you just listen? For once, _please_ just listen to me!" It stopped her. Shinji sighed. "Asuka, I... we're drunk. Honestly, I can barely even process what's happening right now, I'm so tired. I just..."

He searched for words. Trying to think was like wading through wet sand. His brain felt clogged and unresponsive. Finally, he shook his head, at a loss.

"...I really like you," he said, simply. "I really, really do. I have for a long time, I think. And if it has to be like this, then I don't want it. I'm sorry."

There was just enough light to make out Asuka's genuinely injured expression. She averted her gaze to the floor.

"Let's just wait, okay?" Shinji offered. "Let's sleep it off, and then maybe tomorrow-"

"You know that won't happen," she said bitterly. "Don't be naïve."

"Why not, Asuka?"

For a moment, there was no reply. Just as Shinji was beginning to suspect that Asuka had fallen asleep sitting up, he heard a soft sniffling. Her hand quickly shot up and rubbed away the liquid that had started to spill over. She turned her face further away so he couldn't see her crying, and Shinji felt his heart breaking. Sliding over next to her on the bed, Shinji moved to put his arm around her shoulder, but Asuka smacked his it away, looking up to face him.

"You know why it won't happen!" she yelled. "B-because I'm me, and you're _you_ and we _can't_! Don't you understand?" Asuka angrily wiped away the tears streaming down her cheeks. "We're Evangelion pilots! We can die any time an Angel attacks! We can't think about things like this! We can't_ like_ each other like that! We can't fall in love!" She calmed down a little, sniffing, and her eyes drifted to the left. "I can't fall in love with anyone... I'm not supposed to..."

Silent sobs shook her frame and Asuka finally let Shinji wrap his arms around her. Collapsing onto the bed, she cried into his chest.

"What would I do if something happened to you, baka? Do you think I would be able to fight if all I was doing was thinking about your safety? I wouldn't even be able to pilot, anymore! What can I do if I don't pilot? I've got nothing else!" Asuka desperately clutched at Shinji, her nails digging into his back. He grit his teeth at the sting, but he refused to let go. One hand gently stroked her hair, attempting to sooth his crying friend. For a long time, Shinji held her in the dark and allowed Asuka her catharsis.

Eventually, the German eased her grip on him and her breathing calmed.

"But... but if it were like this..." Asuka continued, softly. "If we were both like this... then it's almost like it's not real, right? Here in the dark? Drunk. It's almost like a dream. We probably won't even remember this in the morning. We can do whatever we want." Asuka looked up at him. "Nothing has to change." She attempted a smile and reached up to touch the hand Shinji was running through her hair. "I don't want things to change."

Shinji shook his head. "Everything changes, Asuka. It already has."

The remnants of tears silently slid down her cheeks, staining her pillow. Turning her face, she gently kissed his palm. "...yeah, I know. But this is like a dream, right? We don't have to wake up yet."

"Asuka, I don't want to have-"

"I don't either," Asuka turned and looked Shinji in the eyes. "You're right. This isn't the way I want it. And I want you to know while I'm still conscious that I think it's incredibly sweet that you stopped me. Not many guys would have." Leaning up, she tenderly kissed his lips. "Thank you. It means the world to me."

Shinji smiled, but his fatigue made him yawn. "What do you mean then? About not 'waking up'?"

"Will you stay with me? Until morning?" Asuka was genuinely asking again. Shinji knew that if he wanted to, he could get up and leave. He thought back to the first blackout at the apartment, when Asuka had tried to affirm their friendship. She had offered him an opportunity and he had turned her away. This whole mess had been caused due to his callousness. _Never again._

He nodded his head. "Of course I will."

Asuka smiled at him. "Good." Swallowing, she asked meekly: "Will you help me get my bra off? I can't sleep with it on."

Shinji had the presence of mind to still turn a little red, but he nodded nonetheless.

They sat up in the bed. Silently, Asuka slid the sync-clips out of her hair and placed them on her bedside table. She gathered her hair in her hands and pulled it to the side, exposing her bare back to the other pilot. When there was a moment's pause, she encouraged him: "Go ahead."

"Um... I'm not sure I know how," Shinji admitted. Asuka laughed.

"The clasp is in the middle. Squeeze it together until it unhooks." She smiled to herself. "Man, you really _haven't_ done this before."

"Sorry." Shinji did as instructed, and the garment unclasped. Asuka slid it off of her shoulders and let it drop to the floor on the side of the bed in front of her. Keeping her back to him, she lay down in the bed and pulled the sheets to her neck.

Some rustling later, Asuka's pants disappeared over the side. "You can undress if you want," she said, "I can never get comfortable sleeping with clothes on." And with that proclamation, she lay still.

Shinji gulped. He was almost positive he had seen Asuka sleep clothed before. _Was this a test?_ After a brief, intense mental debate, he figured he should probably follow suit, seeing as how they were to share a bed. _That was what she wanted, right?_ Even drunk, Asuka was hard to predict, and if an angry sober Asuka was a sight to behold, Shinji could scarcely imagine her less-inhibited counterpart. If she was going to sleep naked, he'd better do the same, in the interest of living through the next ten minutes. Nervous, he stripped off what remained of his clothing and lay down next to his friend.

Shinji stayed still as he possibly could at the opposite end of the bed, staring at the ceiling, so as not to wake Asuka. Soon, he felt sleep creeping up on him.

"Hold me, you idiot."

He woke from his light dozing and shuffled over next to her. Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around Asuka and hugged her. Her skin was soft and warm and perfectly smooth. Asuka settled in, enjoying the sensation of their shared touch. She sighed happily and let her body mold into his.

"Shinji?" she asked.

"Mmm?" Shinji felt himself falling asleep again.

"We're not going to remember this when we wake up, are we?"

"Probably not," he mumbled, darkness already invading his vision. "Why?"

"I really like you, too," she whispered, "and I have since we met."

Shinji smiled. He nestled his nose in Asuka's hair, and let himself be swept away.

* * *

><p>"Unit Zero is out of commission! Rei is down!"<p>

Asuka felt a twinge of panic, which she shoved down under her consciousness. _This is battle. This is what you were born for. Panic later. _She gripped the controls of her Evangelion and raised her gun to shoot.

Chatter kept coming in from the radio.

"Status on the pilot?"

"She's unconscious, but she doesn't seem to be seriously hurt."

"Get her out of there as quickly as possible," Asuka recognized Commander Katsuragi's voice. Her and the Misato of home were worlds apart. _Two people. Same face_.

Asuka fired at the Angel.

It had four limbs of varying size, and was ostensibly bipedal, but Asuka couldn't quite make out exactly what parts of the creature were vital. It could certainly regenerate limbs. Rei had been caught unawares when the arm she had just blown off of the Angel erupted from the severed stump back into her face.

Cut off one leg and it would grow right back. It was like a starfish, only faster and ten stories tall. Asuka's shots tore through the center of the animal, to minimal effect. Flesh filled in where her rounds had hit within seconds.

_Where the hell is the core?_

The gun clicked empty and Asuka tossed it to the ground. In her peripheral vision, she saw Shinji ready his knife.

"I'm out of ammunition," his voice crackled over the intercom between the vehicles. Asuka chanced a glance down at the ordinance at her feet: three guns were left near her, probably a magazine left in each one. _Not enough. _The twinge of panic was back. She grabbed another gun. _Two left._

"Misato, we need more ammo up here," Asuka was running out of places on the Angel to shoot. "**Now**."

"Three minutes, Asuka." Misato replied. "We're loading it right-"

Suddenly, the Angel lifted off the ground and began to spin like a top. With momentum gained, it touched its spinning feet back onto the ground and pinwheeled across the landscape towards the silent Unit Zero.

"It's going for Rei!" Shinji yelled. "Asuka, cover me!"

"Shinji, wait!" Asuka cried, but it was too late. His feet kicked up trees on the hills as he ran towards the Angel. She grit her teeth. "Damn you!"

Asuka raised her gun and fired at the spinning legs, whittling off bits of the animal, desperately trying to slow it down. Chunks of flesh and blood rained down on the hills around Tokyo-3. The Angel was slowed, but not halted.

Asuka's gun clicked empty. The Angel was within a dozen meters of Rei when Shinji intercepted it, tackling it to the ground with his knife.

The reaction was violent and immediate. The Angel lost interest in Rei entirely. The four appendages multiplied, tangling themselves around Shinji. Shinji began to hack at the alien appendages like thick vines with his knife.

Asuka gasped, grabbing the remaining two guns and firing sporadically into the thicket, trying desperately not to hit Shinji. She watched helplessly as he disappeared under the torrent of the Angel's multiplying limbs.

Panic. Unadulterated panic.

_No! No, no, stop it! You're killing him!_

A voice over the comm: "Something's emerging from its back!"

A crimson sphere began to bubble to the surface on the Angel's back. _The core!_ Asuka aimed both guns for the emerging core and pulled the triggers. Bullets bit into the red pool, prompting a howl of pain, but nothing else.

"What's happening?" Asuka screamed. "Why isn't it working?" The creature tilted on to the ground, Shinji long since disappeared from sight.

_Please stop, please stop, please._

One of the guns clicked empty. Asuka tossed it to the ground and brought the other to bear on the Angel, holding her fire.

"We think the core's **forming**, Asuka!" Maya's voice . "The Angel hid parts of it throughout its body. We can't hurt it until it's been entirely reconstructed!"

"What's happening to Shinji?" Misato cut through the chatter on the radio.

"Diminishing life signs in Unit One!" another member of the deck crew. Asuka couldn't remember his name. "The cord has been severed. We're losing contact!"

Asuka lined up her shot with the forming core. She spent agonizing moments waiting for the sphere to come to the surface. She waited, listening to the screams from the command deck.

Somewhere in her mind, Asuka remembered how she felt in Shinji's arms.

Finally, the sphere emerged. Asuka immediately pulled the trigger, only for the gun to click empty in her hands.

_No. This can't be happening. _

"Ninety seconds until the ammo drop, Asuka!"

_Not him. Please. He's all I have. _

"-life signs are almost gone! We have-"

_I need him. _

"-et Unit Zero out of there before Rei-"

_I love him._

Asuka dropped the empty gun and drew the Evangelion's combat knife. She sprinted forward towards Shinji and the Angel.

"Asuka, what are you doing?" Misato was screaming. "Do not engage! Repeat: do **NOT** engage the hostile at close range!"

The power cord to the Unit Two pulled taught, tethering Asuka back like a leash. Taking the cord in her hands, she sliced through it with the knife and kept running.

"Asuka, stop right now! Shut her down, she's going to get herself killed!"

She reached the Angel at a full sprint, thrusting forward and driving her knife into the core up to its hilt. The Angel howled in agony. Limbs began to tear themselves away from Shinji and hook onto Asuka's Evangelion. Soon, Shinji was free of the tangle, but Asuka was completely ensnared. In the struggle, she caught sight of Shinji's discarded knife and reached for it, fighting against the millions of tiny hands dragging her down. Asuka steeled herself.

_If you've got wings..._

She used the last of her energy to thrust her hand towards the knife. Her fingers wrapped around it and she brought her arm up to plunge it into the core.

But Asuka could not build up enough momentum against the Angel's onslaught. The creature deftly disarmed her, taking the knife into its own power and plunging it down towards Unit 02's head.

* * *

><p>They say that moments before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes.<p>

In the half of a second before the combat knife exploded through the front of the cockpit and impaled her, time slowed to a crawl for Asuka.

_Please, oh God, let me live through this. I don't want to die like this. I want to live longer. I want to defeat the Angels. I want to change the world. I want to be remembered. I want to get married. I want to have a husband. I want to walk down an isle and I want it to be him at the end waiting for me. I want to grow old and I want to have children. I want it all so badly and I'm sorry I didn't admit it until now, but I was scared. I was so, __**so**__ scared, and I'm scared right now, but I do want it. I want all of it. Please, just don't let this be the end. It's selfish and I'm sorry, but please. I'm __**begging**__ you. _

_Oh, God, it's going to hurt, I just know it. It's going to hurt._

_It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt._

_It's going to–_

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>_: The next chapter will end everything. I once again offer my apologies for the wait. We should always finish what we start. _

_Almost out of the woods. Please persevere, my friends. My sincerest thanks for your time. I'll do my best not to waste it._


	6. Sanctuary

"Is she breathing?"

"...no."

"Damn it... are you declaring time of death?"

"Yeah, I'll... no, wait a second... yes, she is. She's breathing. Barely. There's a pulse. I don't know if we can move her."

"We've got to. There's no way they'll be able to operate out here. Jesus, look at all the blood..."

"Some's LCL."

"Yeah, and most of it's her blood. I mean, _Jesus_. We need a stretcher here right away, just look at her e-"

* * *

><p>"Can we save the arm?"<p>

"Iffy. I'm not sure she'll even be able to use it again if we do. Look how deeply the incision cut through her shoulder here – there's going to be traumatic nerve damage no matter what we do."

"Think it's worth trying?"

"Might be too dangerous. We'll be lucky if she survives the surgery, period. I'm not comfortable with risking her life for it."

"So, lose the arm?"

"Maybe. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Let's get the anesthesiologist in here and start **immediately**. Start cleaning that glass out of the socket. The eye is completely gone and we need to make sure none of it went into her brai-"

* * *

><p>"Asuka-chan? It's Misato. I don't know if you can hear me – the doctors say you can, but... I don't know, I was never sure I believed that. I sort of always thought it was just something that they told people so that the people <em>thought<em> they could be heard. For the family themselves, you know? Let them feel like they're doing something or... I guess I'm cynical. I hope you can hear me.

"Listen, your father's requested your transfer back to Germany, so they're shipping you back tomorrow morning. Don't worry about what's happening at Nerv, it's... you've been... replaced as the third pilot. We just... Asuka, honestly, they say it's going to be a miracle if you ever wake up again, it's already incredible you're even technically alive, we just can't... we can't wait for you any more. I'm sorry. I am **so** sorry, Asuka, I know how much this meant to you.

"Just... don't stop fighting, okay? You're amazing, Asuka, you're remarkable – you always have been, and it's _not_ because you're a pilot it's because you're _you_. You can be a real pain in the ass, and you're stubborn as hell, but I think it's the only thing keeping you alive, so please just... don't give up. I want to read in twenty years about what the incredible Langley Sohryu is doing. I mean, you're fourteen, Asuka. I hadn't done _shit_ when I was fourteen. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and it will be incredible, but you've just got to survive this. Okay? You've just got to hold on. Oh, damn it, I didn't want to start crying...

"...you probably can't even hear me, can you?

"...this is stupid. I'll leave.

"Oh, damn this phone... Yes, it's Katsuragi.

"...he wants to see her?

"No. Absolutely not. Drive him back to the apartment right now. Consider it an order, Ritsuko.

"Then tell him to be angry at me. I'll talk to him when I'm home. Just, whatever you do don't let him come here. He can't see her like this.

"Because she's nearly in halves, for fuck's sake."

* * *

><p>"She hung up," Ritsuko said, shutting her mobile phone. She glanced over at the boy in the seat next to her. Shinji looked out the passenger side window at the streetlights passing them quickly by. Ritsuko sighed. "I'm sorry, Shinji. I've got to take you home."<p>

He didn't answer.

"If it matters, it's not just you. Rei wanted to visit as well," Ritsuko looked out at the road. "It's funny... we were all worried about Rei when she got hit, but she was the hero. I mean, you were unconscious by then, but Rei woke up. She killed the Angel. She saved your lives – all our lives, I suppose – and they turned her down flat. I guess you've probably already been told that..."

"Is Asuka going to live?" Shinji's voice was unsteady.

Ritsuko closed her mouth and weighed her words carefully.

"They're optimistic," Ritsuko smiled at him. "Besides, you know Asuka. She's too stubborn to die."

"No she's not. No one is."

Ritsuko's smile evaporated.

"People die for stupid reasons all the time. Car accidents, heart attacks, whatever. I don't think we usually know how or why we're going to go. Stories always tell us people die for a reason, but I think in real life it's not usually anything that makes a whole lot of sense. Maybe this is Asuka's stupid death?"

Ritsuko said nothing.

"It doesn't matter. I guess we all die before we're ready," Shinji concluded. "I don't even remember the last thing I said to her. It wasn't any sort of goodbye." He sighed. "I wish it had been."

Ritsuko drove to Misato's apartment, and was secretly happy when Shinji got out of the car. She sped home to the cats waiting for her in her apartment and spent the night holding them close, reassuring herself that the warmth she felt was life, and that she had many years left ahead of her before whatever absolution waited for her on the other side.

She hoped Asuka would live through the night.

* * *

><p><em>Twelve hours in surgery. Five hundred and thirty-seven stitches. Seven doctors. One patient.<em>

_Five hour flight. Four weeks in a coma. Two months bedridden after the fact._

_Six months 'living in the company of others' under doctor's orders. Two years living alone. _Three years of on-again off-again psychotherapy. __

_One wedding invitation from Misato. _

_One flight from New Berlin to Tokyo-3._

_Four years later..._

* * *

><p>The door to the apartment slid open and the sense memory hit Asuka like a punch to the gut. This was the room she'd had her first kiss. This was the house where she'd fallen in love.<p>

But fires burn out and embers die when they're not fanned. She'd told herself how easy it would be to talk to him again. God knows she'd done it enough in all that bullshit mandatory therapy to practically draw a diagram for the best approach to the conversation. Even on the flight over: _Easy. He's just an old friend__._

It's common to think you forget someone's scent until you're surrounded by it.

"Don't you have to say something?" Kaji whispered next to her, smirking. Asuka blinked away the memories and forced a smile for him.

"I'm home."

The 18-year-old Asuka Langley Sohryu tenuously stepped into the apartment. It had been _her_ apartment half a lifetime ago. She adjusted her eyepatch nervously. "Where are they?"

Kaji shrugged. "I dunno really. Thought they would have wanted to be home for this." He yawned. "Plane _was_ early, though. I'm sure they'll pop in soon enough."

"Not knowing where your fiancé is? How scandalous, Mr. Kaji!" Asuka covered her mouth in mock surprise, her eye wide. "What if she's out seeing other men?"

Kaji chuckled.

"Funny thing about getting married: by the time you're ready to sign the paper, you've mostly stopped worrying they're gonna skip town. By the time you're _really _ready, anyway. You'd be shocked how many people mistake falling in love with _being _in love." He flipped a switch and everything was illuminated. "Trust me, the 'butterflies' stage is vastly overrated."

Asuka looked over at Kaji under the fluorescents.

"So, I've gotta admit. I'm curious: what made you finally say yes?" she asked.

Kaji let his gaze wander. "I realized life was too short to take things for granted anymore. I guess I grew up a little..." He redirected his attention to Asuka. "Speaking of growing up, look at you! There was a time when you would get tongue-tied alone in a room with me."

Asuka laughed, stepping over to him. "So true." She wrapped her arms around the man, pulling him into a warm embrace. She sighed, happy. "I'm kind of glad that's over. No offense. "

"None taken. It certainly makes the conversation more interesting." Asuka closed her eye and let Kaji hug her.

Out of all she had left behind in Japan, Kaji had probably changed the least, and Asuka needed to ground herself. This next one was going to be hard.

"I want to see my room," she said.

When the door slid open, it hurt, but not as much as she thought it would. The part that really bothered Asuka was that she could still largely recognize the space – she saw the places where all of her things belonged. Her heart ached.

She had expected something completely alien, but given maybe two hours, the room would have looked just like it did four years ago, the last time she was in Japan. The night she should have died, because she had been trying to save him.

Asuka had not escaped the incident unharmed. For starters, her left arm had lost much sensation, but remarkably, she could still move it and its fingers with varying degrees of fluidity. Considering that she had basically been cleaved in two, the fact that she still had an arm at all was a miracle, to say the least. Not to mention breath inside her lungs.

She thought the eye patch was okay. Since her expulsion from the Evangelion program, the eye patch had taken the place of Asuka's once-trademark sync clips, in that she almost never removed it. Indeed, it had actually become an object she quite valued: it was proof that she had seen hell and lived to tell the tale. Pity she couldn't bring herself to think of the scars in a similar light.

The astonishing medical advancements made after the Second Impact had saved Asuka's life, but no amount of surgery could save her from the scars now ran down the front of her body. Starting at her shoulder, the jagged gash snaked along her torso, cutting through the valley between her breasts and crossing over her stomach diagonally to the top of her right hip.

It had been a very long time before Asuka came to terms with her cosmetic injuries, that this grotesque scarring was now part of her body's shape and color. It angered her to admit it, but she was still a good deal self-conscious about how she looked. Her hair had made her stand out – the scars made her feel like a freak.

She had swapped all of her two-piece bathing suits out for less revealing fare. Any clothes that showed her stomach ended up in the garbage. Asuka could count on one hand the amount of people who had seen her naked since she had fully healed, and there wasn't a single one yet who hadn't cringed when her top came off. It was the definition of 'mood killer'. She dimly remembered when she used to pride herself on her body.

An eye, an arm, and a sex life for a second chance to live: survival, it seemed, was not without its price. Overall though, she deemed it seemed a fair trade.

Asuka's hand drifted over the anonymous blankets that now adorned her bed. This was where she had almost lost her virginity.

Almost. That had eventually happened many hundred miles away to someone entirely undeserving of the gift she had given him. He was an idiot, but it had been her choice. Seemed like a good idea at the time. And anyway, it was done with now. Asuka learned a long time ago that you can't change the past by letting it consume you.

Somewhere between now and then, this room had ceased to be hers and had become a guest bedroom. Asuka dropped her bag onto the sheets. "_I'm home", indeed,_ she thought darkly. All of a sudden she didn't want to see anyone at all.

Asuka turned to her bedroom door, and was about to close it when the front door opened.

Shinji was so unprepared to see her that all the groceries spilled from his hands. Asuka's thousands of prepared scenarios suddenly seemed worthless and false.

She closed the door without saying a word.

* * *

><p><em>Why didn't she talk to me?<em> Shinji was haunted. He'd been in the same room as Asuka for five seconds and already he'd done something wrong. _Great. Just what I wanted._

He lay awake in his room, staring at the ceiling. It must have been past two already, but sleep was nowhere in sight. There were so many things he wanted to ask her that he didn't even know where to begin. The questions jumbled about in his brain, skipping like a record, with each repetition forming a different imagined response.

Not that they were necessarily talking – Shinji wasn't entirely clear on that, yet.

Misato had arrived home not long after him, and when she had spoken to Asuka in her room, she had said the girl seemed fine – a little jet lagged, but certainly Asuka. Shinji hadn't yet worked up the courage to venture into her room.

_Maybe she wants me to come see her? This is a test or something? _

He thought of the withering look she had shot him in the doorway.

_Maybe she's very tired and I should wait until tomorrow. _Shinji rolled over onto his side and sighed deeply.

He wasn't extremely adept at courtship, but he'd had girlfriends, to be sure. Heck, there was even a brief period after the whole Hikari/Touji fiasco where he'd gone steady with the class rep (Nice girl. Good kisser.) Shinji wasn't exactly Cassanova, but he'd been around the block enough to know that it wasn't just girls, it was _her_. That damn redhead. Four years had certainly not changed that Asuka could get under his skin without even saying a word.

He pushed himself up from the mattress and walked towards the kitchen. He needed something in his stomach.

And there she was, standing at the counter, brewing tea, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Asuka had always had a talent for inhabiting places as if she was their sole proprietor. Shinji noticed her back stiffen slightly. For a moment.

She turned around, and the two took teach other in for the first time, assessing the damage.

_Four years..._

"You're different," she growled. "You don't look the same at all."

Shinji didn't say anything, but he couldn't help but agree with the sentiment. Misato was wrong. There were passing similarities, sure – but this woman barely looked like Asuka at all. Maybe her angry older sister.

"How... how was your flight?" he began uncertainly, before shaking his head. "That's a stupid thing to ask... I'm sorry. I have no idea how to-"

"Why didn't you call me?"

Shinji blinked. "...what?"

"I could understand for a while, I really could. You might have been busy here, fighting Angels and all that. They probably wouldn't have let me take calls anyway." Asuka lined Shinji up in her sights. "Why didn't you call?"

Shinji's tongue felt like lead in his mouth. He hadn't prepared for this. "...what do you-?"

"_Years_, Shinji!" Asuka shouted, her eye blazing with anger. "I waited for a phonecall, a letter – ANY sign that you cared I was even still alive! Do you know what it's like to wait for someone like that? _Years_ and I got nothing. Silence." Shinji didn't think it was possible to sip tea judgmentally. He watched her do it twice. "I wasn't allowed to make outgoing calls until six months ago. What's your excuse?"

Out of the black, Shinji felt his own anger rising.

"That's completely unfair! I didn't know you wanted me to call you!"

"You're dodging the question."

"And you're being a bitch!" Asuka blinked, taken slightly aback by the bite in his tone. _That_ was new. Looks like some backbone had finally formed under that newer, older exterior.

She picked up her mug and turned to go back to her room.

Shinji stepped towards her. "No, wait – stop!"

To his great surprise, she actually paused in the doorway to her old room. Her head tilted forward and rested against the screen. Asuka sighed. "This was a mistake. I should have stayed in Germany."

"No! Look, I didn't want to argue." Shinji moved to put his hand on her shoulder, but retracted it before it brushed her skin. It dropped uselessly to his side. "I... I missed you, Asuka."

She spun, face twisted into a scowl. "Then you could have fucking called me."

"And said what?" Shinji roared, his anger and pain flooding back. "What could I possibly say to you over the phone when you're thousands of miles away?" His eyes dodged away from her, into a far dark corner. "You... you _died_ for me, Asuka. Maybe not for long, but it happened. Don't you know what that meant to me? I'm sure nobody had ever even _thought_ about that before. I didn't know anyone would have that kind of... Do you know how long I..." he trailed off, shaking his head.

Shinji had been unaware these emotions were even inside of him, and his expression of them felt awkward and haphazard. When he was ready, he looked back to her. "How... how was I supposed to react to that? What was I supposed to say?"

Asuka took a step backwards, genuinely hurt. Her hands braced her body against the door for support. Shinji watched helplessly as she began to cry.

"Idiot. You could have said anything. _Anything._ You just had to pick up the phone. I wanted your voice. I wanted you. I needed you there and you were _gone_. You could have said anything at all..."

Asuka looked away from him, wiping her face with the back of her hand. "God damn it. I'm home for four hours and I'm crying again." She tried to laugh, but it emerged as a choking sob. "How do you do this to me, anyway? Why the hell can't I just be myself around you? I'm not this person, Ikari! I'm not this mess! I'm confident and I'm self-sufficient and I don't cry about feelings I haven't had in years!"

Asuka bit her bottom lip, and she was forced to stop talking. She slid the door open behind her.

"This was a mistake. I'm going to stay through the wedding for Misato and Kaji, but then I should really leave. I'm sorry. I thought I was ready."

She stepped into her room, disappearing like a phantom into mist.

* * *

><p><em>Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?<em>

_Yes. Binding contract. Together in sickness and in health and until the end of time._

_'_The end of time.' What the hell did that even mean?

Shinji watched the jubilation on the dance floor, seated alone at a table, somewhere to the sidelines. He adjusted his tie and sighed.

Misato had looked beautiful, Kaji had finally shaved and donned respectable clothing. They had smiled, kissed, and that was that. Elated, married, and now dancing.

Shinji was genuinely happy for his roommate, former commander. Weddings were usually not his thing, but it was hard to be glum while watching her glow. She just looked so _happy_ when Kaji spun her. She laughed as they almost tripped, dancing into another couple. Kaji apologized before wrapping his hands around her waist and pulling her into another kiss.

"Heya, chief!" Touji pulled up a chair and slouched next to Shinji. He couldn't help but notice that Touji's once-pristine suit had already become 'customized' by his interactions with the open bar. Shinji hoped that it wasn't a rental. "Great party, huh?"

"Yeah, it's actually kind of fun." Shinji smiled. Four years had done little but enhance Touji's jawline. Shinji figured he was too stubborn to let it have any lasting effect on his personality. "Did you see Kensuke?"

"Nah. Where's he gotten to?"

Shinji pointed over to an area beside the dancefloor where their classmate was engaged in conversation with Hikari Horaki. She laughed girlishly at something he said and hit him playfully on the shoulder.

Touji grinned, shaking his fist at the two of them. "That traitor!" He leaned back in his chair and sighed, his words carrying no real malice at all. That fire had gone out long ago. "So, speaking of ancient history..." Touji rolled his head over to look at Shinji. "...you seen her yet?"

Shinji shook his head. "Not since the ceremony."

"She looked good. Fantastic, actually. And I like the eye patch. It's stora badass." Touji sat up in his chair, downing what was left in his cup. "Don't tell her I said that."

"Oh, that won't be a problem," Shinji mumbled sullenly. Touji cocked his eyebrow.

"Again? Already?"

"Forever. But it's always like this with her." Shinji sighed. "We fight, it's our way."

Touji twirled his cup contemplatively in his hands.

"Hey chief, I'm not really good with words like some people, so I don't want to spend a ton of time having a golden moment here, but... I dunno. I went steady with the class rep for a while, and it didn't work out great, but we _tried_, you know?" Touji shrugged. "I mean, I know it's different with you and Sohryu, but... even though we barely talk now, I'm happy Hikari and I dated. I think sometimes cars have to crash, and that's the only way you can move forward, or somethin'. Otherwise things just stay the same."

Shinji looked over at his friend in genuine surprise. The pensieve look vanished from Touji's face – a haphazard grin set up in its stead.

"But what do I know? I'm not dancin' with anyone, either." He stood up, stretching out his neck.

As if on cue, the fast celebratory number that was propelling the crowd came to an end, and a ballad picked up in its place.

"Did you ever consider seriously dating Asuka?" Shinji asked. Touji let out a single, loud guffaw.

"No," he replied, turning back towards the bar. "Too much stress. You have fun with that one, pal." Touji disappeared in the crowd of people. Shinji smiled. _Same old Suzuhara._

When Shinji turned back towards the dancefloor, he realized he was no longer alone. The dress fit her perfectly. Touji had really, if anything, undersold just how perfectly it accentuated the curves that had developed since her blossom into adulthood. A tasteful alteration over her shoulder hid the majority of the scar tissue, and it wasn't as if anyone would really be looking when its wearer had become so stunning.

Of course it was red.

"I'm tired of fighting. I really am," Asuka whispered. Shinji opened his mouth to apologize, but she kept talking. "When I was recovering, I missed you more than I thought was possible to miss someone, and it hurt. For the longest time, I was angry, but... I might have needed the space, I think. I had to grow. The time wasn't right," she sighed. "I'm sorry I lashed out at you. You didn't deserve it."

"I should have-" he began, but Asuka held up a hand, prompting him to stop.

"You could fill _books_ with the things we've messed up, Shinji. Seems like we're kind of prone to it," she shrugged, smirking. "But honestly, I lied the other night. I_ can_ be myself around you, maybe only you. You've seen parts of me no one else has, and sometimes I'm the most awful person... But I know that no matter how much I mess up, no matter how broken I get, you will somehow still come back." She chuckled. "I don't know _why_, but..."

"And you would die for me," he stated simply. "I guess that makes us friends."

Asuka smiled genuinely for the first time since she'd returned from Germany.

She extended her hand towards Shinji, her fingers reaching out, palm up.

"Would you dance with me?" she asked. His hand came up without any hesitation.

Asuka rested her head on his chest as they swayed back and forth in time to the music. She knew that one day Shinji would see all of her scars. Truth be told, she was sort of looking forward to it.

One day he would undress her, and when her dress would come off, Shinji wouldn't cringe. He would accept it, because that was what he did. He looked at how ugly she was, and knew that it was human. He saw how disgusting she felt and somehow made her feel beautiful, even if he had to drag it out of her kicking and screaming.

Something connected them, and whether they were friends or enemies or lovers, they were on this journey together. They would fight, surely, but she would rather argue with him than be with anyone else.

Asuka smiled and closed her eye. She locked her fingers behind his back and held him closer.

"Baka-Shinji..." she whispered.

She breathed him in and knew this moment would stay with her forever.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>_: The end. Das Ende. Finally! I am so sorry this took so long. I guess I had more to say than I originally planned. _

_If you've stuck out this whole trip, you have thanks, and the sincere wish you got something worthwhile out of it. Even if it was just a fun way to kill an evening. :)_


	7. Every Monster

"Can I be completely honest with you?" Lips were licked – an appetite whet before the plunge.

Shinji shivered, nodding. Asuka looked into his eyes and opened her mouth.

"I don't want to see any of these," she pointed to the list of movies on the computer screen. "This is the only one that doesn't look what I would consider 'aggressively stupid', and they're only playing it in 3D. Not getting a whole lot out of that one." She tapped on her eyepatch to drive the point home. "You know. Depth perception and all that."

Shinji sighed, closing his laptop. "Right. What's your suggestion then?" he glanced up at her. "We have three hours until the party, so... watch something here?"

"_Ugh!_ I dunno, I dunno..." Asuka stood up, hands sullenly tucked into the front pocket of her hoodie. "Stupid fad. Stupid glasses. Why do people want things to pop out at them, anyway?" She lazily tipped her mug over with her foot, and the remaining drips of hot chocolate drizzled out onto the hardwood floor. She let out an exasperated groan and turned towards the kitchen.

"I'm not cleaning that up," Shinji offered, opening his laptop again.

"I know, Ikari. Jesus, keep your shirt on," she walked back in, paper towels already in hand. With Shinji as designated cook, Asuka had quickly found her niche as designated cleaner-of-things-she-spilled.

When Misato moved out to live with Kaji, Shinji's search for a roommate had been mercifully brief: Asuka had stepped forward and offered the same day. She wanted to stay in Tokyo-3 for a little while, everything worked out.

After a week, the initial awkwardness had blurred into something resembling their older pattern. It was fun, but things were different for Shinji. Their friendly war felt strangely comfortable. There was a layer of warmth there that had been lacking when they were younger – a security of knowing the other intimately, but also discovering new things.

So much about Asuka was the same that in some ways it felt like picking up right where they left off. She still yelled, she still called him an idiot, she still insisted he sneaked peeks at her in the bathroom... but now there was also the occasional moment of disconnect – realizing that four years had passed and time had changed them in ways both large and small.

A particularly brazen Shinji had called his roommate's bluff last week when she offered to show him what was under her bath towel. After a moment's consideration, Asuka fluttered and folded.

"You... might be surprised..." was all she said, before slinking to her room, leaving the young man completely lost for words. He hadn't actually expected his roommate to go through with it, but he also hadn't expected her to wilt and crumble like a scolded child. Shinji had made her a particularly sumptuous dinner that night, and no one had mentioned it since.

Currently, the redhead kneeled away from him on the ground, running a paper towel over the spot on the floor. Her stunted flirtations puzzled Shinji. She remained trim as ever, but time and maturity had filled her out in a myriad of welcome ways. D-cup, Shinji couldn't help but notice last time he did the laundry. D-cup was new.

Her body was terrific, of course, but didn't she realize that wasn't what was attractive about her? It certainly wasn't her body that Shinji had fallen in love with. It wasn't her body that he missed through the rest of high school.

_What was she so preoccupied with? _

Asuka turned towards him and Shinji realized he was staring at her.

"See anything you like, perv?" Asuka grinned lasciviously, displaying her rear a little more prominently in the air in Shinji's direction. He rolled his eyes, and she laughed.

"Dummy," she intoned as she plopped down on the couch next to him. Asuka let breath slide out through her nose as her head came to a rest on his shoulder, and for a moment no one spoke.

Her flirtation was decidedly... altered. There was something almost tentative about it. A paradigm had shifted. She was _bundled up_. Shinji had fond memories of summers where Asuka would lounge around, practically in her underwear, but lately the showing of skin seemed far more taboo.

Then again, it was December. People were cold. Asuka was 'people', too.

Shinji blinked for a second and realized from the evenness of her breathing that she had fallen asleep on his shoulder. He smiled and gently shut his laptop.

It was strange. She was comfortable enough to cuddle in against him and slumber, but long sleeves and hoodies were still the dress code.

Shinji closed his eyes and rested his head gently against hers. He fell asleep wondering if she knew her hair smelled like cinnamon and if the rest of her tasted so sweet.

* * *

><p>"Right, so this is all <em>my<em> fault!" Asuka squeezed more conditioner into her hand and angrily tugged her fingers through her hair. "You were sleeping too, idiot!"

Closing her eyes to enjoy his closeness had turned into a five-hour power nap against the idiot's shoulder, and now not only were they both terribly late to Hikari's Christmas Party, but Asuka had further cemented her status as the sleepiest former-pilot in the eastern hemisphere. She grit her teeth, already anticipating mockery. _I will have vindication, I swear it. _

She caught the outline of Shinji in the outer room. The door to the bathroom was left ajar for steam to vent, due to a broken bathroom fan last week that neither roommate had gotten around to fixing. A casing of frosted glass protected Asuka's modesty, but she still felt vaguely uncomfortable with his proximity to her nakedness.

She was painfully aware that the last memory Shinji had of her body was smooth, pristine whiteness. Sliding her fingers across her stomach, she winced as they caught on the jagged ridge of her scar. There was no pain there, of course, all the nerves were dead. It just looked... _monstrous_. Disgusting. She turned the shower hotter and scowled.

This was ridiculous. The embarrassing truth was that she wanted him. It was _astounding_ how much she wanted him. She kept flaunting and flaunting herself and hoped he would grow balls and take the decision out of her hands, but she knew he never would. Deep down she wasn't even sure she really wanted him to. _Like that? In the heat of a moment?_

Asuka closed her eye and reached for the facial cream. When her fingers touched nothing, she glanced up and remembered it was still sitting out in the living room from last night. She groaned.

After a brief moment of indecision, Asuka swallowed her pride and called. "Shinji!"

His silhouette appeared in the foggy doorway. Asuka covered herself, even though she was completely certain he could see nothing at all through the glass.

"I left the face stuff on the couch. Could you grab it?"

He disappeared with tacit acceptance of the task.

When he had dared her last week to live up to her boasting, Asuka's courage had folded. Her previous assuredness had faltered. _He'll flinch. I know he'll flinch. I'm maimed. I don't want him to think of me as some sort of freak: a once-beautiful machine that is broken. The eye is bad enough. _She found she wasn't as proud of the eyepatch around him. He reminded her uncomfortably often that her vision used to be binary.

There was a soft knock on the doorway to the bathroom. Asuka glanced over through the steam. "Hey, I brought in your dress. You forgot that, too."

She cracked the sliding glass door and stuck one dripping arm out, expectantly.

"I didn't _forget_, dummy," Asuka said making a beckoning motion with her fingers for the lotion, "I just didn't want to change when a pervert like you could look right into the ba-_AH!"_

Blind to the outside, trapped with her arm halfway through the door, Asuka gasped at the soft, velvet sensation of Shinji's lips taking her pointer finger into his mouth.

Her immediate response was to jerk her hand back, but Shinji had a firm grasp on her wrist, and any other sort of action would open the shower door. She was completely helpless as Shinji gently ran his tongue down the length of her finger, bringing up a second as he slowly slid back down to her knuckles. Asuka gasped for air. Her legs were jelly. She grabbed onto the far shower wall for support.

Shinji slowly swirled his tongue around her two fingers one more time before he removed his mouth and placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand. Then he placed the lotion into her hand.

Asuka was completely dumbfounded. For several seconds, her naked arm stayed outside of the shower, dripping on the bathroom floor. Finally realizing that the ordeal was over, she meekly withdrew her appendage and closed the glass door completely.

She stood and looked out at the silhouette of Shinji on the other side of the glass. His expression was completely impossible to read, obscured by steam and the opaqueness of the barrier.

He turned to go, and Asuka called: "Hey, c-could you maybe close the door?" He paused in the doorway. "...please," she finished, gripping the facial cream in her palm.

There was a moment without movement, and then he exited, closing the door behind him. Asuka let out a massive breath she didn't realize she had been holding and placed the facial cream on the ledge in the shower next to her.

She shook under the water, her mind buzzing with a thousand possibilities._ What the fuck just happened?!_

Lying down, her hands quickly found their way to her waiting wetness. Asuka slipped in the finger he had been sucking on and finished herself off in record time.

* * *

><p>"I can see what's happening," Touji said to Kensuke, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the German with his drink. She was wearing a red cheongsam dress and stared blankly out at the world, lost in thought.<p>

She glanced up, tracking the progress of Shinji as he made his way across the party.

"What?" Kensuke adjusted his glasses and looked at her.

"But they don't have a clue," Touji said. Shinji passed Asuka, blushing, but not making eye contact. He headed towards the stairs to the second story of the building.

Asuka stared in front of her for a moment, the drink shaking in her hand.

"Who?" Kensuke pointed at the couple. "Shinji and-?"

"They'll fall in love," Touji continued, "and here's the bottom line: our trio's down to two."

"Oh." _Well, yeah._ Kensuke thought. _That's been happening for a while now._

Across the way, Asuka lifted her beer and finished it in a single, long drink. She put her glass on the table, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and set off after Shinji.

Touji pointed out the window to where snow was falling past a crescent moon.

"The sweet caress of twilight!"

"...uh, Touji?"

"There's magic everywhere!"

"Are you drunk?"

"And with all this _romantic_ atmosphere," Touji turned slowly, pointing his finger accusingly at Kensuke. He prodded the tip of the other boy's nose with each syllable to prove his point. "Dis-as-ter's in–"

* * *

><p>The air outside of the party was cold, but not enough to dissuade Shinji from staying on the porch, staring out at the valley below. He heard the door shut behind him, and didn't have to turn to know who it was. His hands gripped the railing tighter, and he realized he had no idea what he was going to say to her.<p>

_What can I say to her?_ Shinji didn't even fully understand what the hell had happened back at their apartment, with her in the shower. The smell, and the closeness, and her painfully erotic, dripping arm, beckoning him closer. His mouth had been on her before he knew it, now he was honestly frightened of what was going to happen.

Was she going to leave? _Please don't leave again..._

Shinji braced himself for a verbal thrashing.

"Can I be completely honest with you?" Asuka's voice was quiet. He turned around to find her holding her arms, staring at him with what looked like a small tinge of fear. Vulnerable.

Shinji nodded absently. This was not what he was expecting. He thought this was going angry, yelling places, not... confessional honesty?

"I don't..." Asuka licked her lips, choosing her words carefully. "...want this."

Shinji's breath caught in his throat. This already sounded like a goodbye. "What do you mean?"

"This whole thing. What happened in that shower. Jeez. That's smut. It's like..." she waved her hands around in circles, looking for the words. "...bad fanfic smut."

Shinji blinked. "Like _what?_"

"I don't want sex from you, idiot! I mean," Asuka rolled her eye, "I mean, I _do_. It's crazy how much I do, but not first. I want acceptance! I want love! I want you to hold me and make me feel like I'm home. I think everyone wants that..." She looked to the side, biting her lip.

"Shinji, I feel so ugly now. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't feel like myself. I don't feel confident or pretty or anything, I feel like a monster and that's... that's _new_ to me, okay? I don't really know how to handle it. I need a friend, you know? And you're my friend! I know you are, you're one of my best friends, but I don't want to feel like that anymore, and us fucking isn't going to make me feel like myself. It's going to make me feel used up."

She looked back towards him and pointed her finger. "You're better than that, and I'm better than that, so I'm sorry, but I don't want this story. We've got one shot at this thing, and I swear on my life it's going to be the one thing we don't fuck up."

Snow started to drift down between them.

Shinji stared at her, completely dumbfounded. He wished she could see herself right now. The truth was that she'd never looked more beautiful or confident in her life. "Asuka, what's a fanfic?"

"This is," she smiled, finally looking up at me. "And goddamn it you're going to start it the right way. Go back to the start of this chapter and get your mind out of the gutter. Give us the ending we deserve."

And so I did.

Because every monster deserves a home.

* * *

><p>Shinji shivered underneath his blanket and wished that she would just damn well hurry back. The door to his room slid open and he watched as she ran towards the bed.<p>

"Hurry!" he hissed.

"Move over!" Asuka yanked up the covers and slid down next to him as quickly as she could. Shinji pulled the covers tight around his back with marked annoyance. She had just taken the warm spot. "Hey I've got a great idea, guys!" Asuka was mumbling to herself, "Remember those fucking blackouts? Those were so fun when we were _kids_, weren't they? Let's do them again in winter, just because they're fun!" She scoweled and turned towards him, quaking. "Why do we still have these, again?"

Shinji shrugged. "I don't know. You can get a little closer, you know."

"And chance you getting handsy? You watch yourself, Ikari. I know how y-your mind works..." Asuka trailed off.

There was a quiet darkness between them. Shinji put his arm around his roommate, and he felt her nestle in closer to his chest.

"Mmn," she mumbled into his shirt. Shinji chuckled softly in the darkness.

"What?"

"I can hear your heart."

"Sorry."

"No, I like it," she smiled. "It's nice..."

Shinji rested his head on top of hers and breathed in her hair. He was falling asleep when he heard her talk again. With his face on top of her head, he felt the vibrations move through her body.

"Can I be completely honest with you?"

He pulled back, looking down to see that Asuka was awake, and very serious. Shinji nodded.

"Always," he said.

Asuka sat up in bed, looking down at him. This was new, for them. It had been her suggestion to share the bed when the blackout happened, and suddenly Shinji wondered if it had been for this moment. She looked down at him and let her hand drift along his cheek. Shinji felt her sizing him up.

"You know what's funny?" she whispered, "Last time we shared a bed it ended really badly."

Whatever it was, this was important to her. Shinji placed his hand on top of hers, meeting her gaze. He smiled at her. _It's okay,_ he thought.

_I love you. I promise that I will never hurt you. Tell me what's wrong, and let me heal you. We can heal together, I swear. _

After a moment, he saw Asuka smile back.

"Dummy," she whispered into the darkness, and then she removed her shirt.


End file.
